As we gather in front of the TV once again to watch yet another episode of the Alaskan/Washington – Bush/Mountain – People/Morons, we are wondering what sort of lunacy to expect from the Brown family and associates tonight. If the first 5 episodes from this season were not bad enough, it would be hard to imagine it getting any worse. Billy still refuses to work, Ami refuses to be part of the show, Bear still acting like a looney, Gabe still in his pre-puberty stage, Noah clinging to the idea that he is a gift to man and mankind, Bird and her psycho personality on full display, Bam rolling his eyes at the idiocy that he has become ever connected with, and Rain and her little fairy tale world of tiny houses and frozen make up. We are now in the stage of bewilderment as to when this train wreck of a show will reach its inglorious end. Until that time, we are transfixed at the spectra of complete and total crap that the Browns toss out every week. So again we sit transfixed in our chairs and listen to our faithful man in the know, Asa, as he describes another session straight from the North Star Ranch and Brainwash Center….
For some untold reason we start the episode with Noah and Rhain w/H tossing a safe into the snow, a fire proof safe. Bird is along to wonder at the glimpse of the outside world and it’s tightly held secrets. Noah opens the safe and produces a few books on bugs and generating electricity. Why they fell compelled to show us this is lost on everyone, so we turn to Asa with soulful eyes hoping he will say something that makes sense.
Asa informs us with the same wore out crap fest that the Browns have shoved in our faces since day one back in 2014. The Browns must keep going, stay a family that beats the odds, through minor schemes, scams, and felonies that are explained away with not so much as a blinking of an eye. Tonight’s made up story revolves around the house that seems to never get built, building a snowplow to clear the already cleared snowy roads, a pair of disgusting rat slippers and some news about Bear that will surely cause mankind to rethink our very existence.
With a strike of a banjo chord, we gather at the house that is being built by outside contractors, to watch the cult members try to convince us that they are capable of doing some construction. The dim witted commentary is once again told how the young’s must build this house for Ma and Pa. It is also mentioned that Billy is unable to do any work since he is always playing the illness card and must stay at his suite in Beverly Hills with Ami and boss the help around. When the planning for the house was being told a few episodes earlier, it was made clear the house would be for Billy and his child bride, Gabe and his invisible wife, and Noah and his clan. Now it is casually mentioned the house is for Billy and Ami ‘with plans to construct an expansion later on’ for the genius, and the shit for brains, and their miserable families. Billy steps into the studio to tell that they have endured so many challenges, snow, cold, hungry wolves, bears that refuse to attack or even be seen, windmills that won’t work and idiot children who are so stupid that they are still hanging around mommy and daddy till they are in their 30’s and beyond. Seems that only Gabe and Bird cared enough to do any work today, as they pound bent nails into plywood to make the flooring as unstable as they can. Once they are done with two sheets of plywood, they start goofing off as usual. Gabe takes his shoes off and discloses that Asha wouldn’t like him to walk on the floor with his shoes on. I had to rewind this twice to see if I heard right. Who is ‘Asha’ ? And why would ‘Asha’ care about anything these idiots do ? Gabe goes on to express his long time dream of forever living extremely close to his parents. Isn’t he married with a kid? Why don’t we ever see her except for a second or two among all these episodes? Where does she live, and where is his new kid, Sophie? A drill gets dropped between the floor joists and rather than reach down fourteen inches and pick it up, Bird and Gabe go through this bizarre scene of trying to pick up the drill with their feet. Unfrickin real….
Noah and Rhain w/H are carrying Eli around their favorite shopping boutique, Rory’s junkyard emporium. Noah has a plan to build a snowplow blade from the collection of trash he sees laying around. But for once the young ingenue is at a loss to see the project in his befuddled mind. Thankfully, Mrs. Noah has all the answers and demonstrates the workings of a snow plow to the attentive Noah. Like it takes an Einstein to figure out a way to plow snow. Just then some old wino bum wanders into the scene and is more than happy to help Noah and the missus to find everything they need to ‘get ‘er done’. Turns out that the bum’s name is Rick, and he works for Master Rory in the junkyard. So now we have Rory, Jason and now Rick, all gainfully employed at the junkyard kingdom. It must be the biggest employer in town, but hard to see why as Noah seems to be the only customer. Anyway, the piece of steel the producers laid in the yard is found, and Noah seeks out Rory to pay him in salmon, dog hair jewelry, some ostrich eggs, Ami’s old dentures, and a signed photo of Billy when he wasn’t a lying scumbag POS. And while he is talking to Rory, he might want to mention that the truck he bought last week leaks transmission fluid and needs to be fixed.
Bam, Gabe, Rain and Rhain w/H are at the house and ready to lift a wall into place. After some confusing instructions of what to do, they lift it up, shimmy it around, and nail it into place. Then the crew standing nearby tear it down and do it correctly while the caterer delivers the lobster and caviar to the Brown children and their staff. They gleefully sit in the warm RV they rent each week and laugh as the construction crew does their job. Bam is given some screen time and he actually admits to being a Grade A asshole to everyone all the time. He says he has seen the light and must chill out to get the most out of the subordinate fools he is unfairly part of a family with. Good for you Bam.
Bear is now trapping through the snow and moaning about what a pitiful moron he is and how his life isn’t worth a soda cracker and a stale beer. But he then proceeds to show us how you can mix some chocolate powder with a ball of snow and pretend to eat it while the cameras are on. He throws the mess to the ground but the cameras were not off yet, so we saw that debacle. And why is he out in the forest playing Ranger Retard when there is a house to build? Probably best he isn’t there, he would most likely nail his balls to the floor. So now he decides to camp out there, all alone he says, and starts to mangle a tent. Of course the folks who understand a TV production realize he is neither alone or going to spend the night in the scary forest. The cameraman, the sound technician, the producers, the caterer, the make up lady and Bears newest ‘slow’ girlfriend, are all just off camera waiting for the end of the written scene, and then into town on snowmobiles and a night of prime rib, champagne, and laughter late into the night.
The most strangest and upsetting depiction of pure lunacy is now to be shown. Bird has tortured a poor rat to death and now decides to make a pair of slippers out of it’s putrid, stinking remains. She skins the poor creature, and probably eats the meat raw, then boils the meat away from the fur, then calmly says that some people may find the stuff she is doing to be ‘disturbing’. Uh, yeah, like toys in the attic disturbing if you ask me. Thankfully, we now get to try to erase that display of psychopathic behavior from our eyes as we turn once again to the Noah and Rhain w/H dream team.
Eli is joining in again for this round of useless invention and dissertation by the ‘smart’ chud and chudette. They struggle to get the plow blade onto the tractor so they can plow the cleared roads of air. Once the crew figure it out and weld it into place, Noah takes the necessary credit. Now, for some reason, we see an old flashback where Bird and Noah pay each other for whatever in the currency of bottle caps. They show us how she owes Noah 10 bottle caps and Noah explains in some detail the intricacies of bottle cap economics. Very strange indeed. Noah is now back at the tractor and says he may go into business plowing roads for people and accept bottle caps for pay. He sounds like he will be the bottle cap king. What. A. Looney.
At the house building site, Bam and Gabe are all alone trying to push another wall up into place. Too heavy and too windy. Gabe mentions his big plan to set up a pulley system to raise the wall up. Nail a pulley system up in a tree, use the truck to pull on the rope that is attached to the pulley, and the wall magically raises into place. With that idea burning in their heads, they decide to run over to Noah’s tent to gather supplies. Where is everyone else, is the plow and rat shoes and camping in the snow more important than getting the house ready? And if they were all there, they could have easily got it done in about 20 seconds. So now the work stops for a good while as they chase another stupid solution.
Noah now is ready to start the plowing job. There is a bit of snow on the ground that the producers shipped in from Canada. He says it should work, Rhain w/H looks at him and says, “Should?”…. He corrects himself and says it will work. Meanwhile in the background, parked next to a garage that has never been seen before, is Noah’s white pick up truck. I guess he got it back from ‘maintenance’ that he had done on it last week. Obviously the truck made it up the roads without needing plowed with his new blade on a tractor. And off he goes, plowing away. He claims success and looks back at the seven feet of snowplowed field, then asks Rhain w/H to climb aboard to clear a path to his ‘lab’. Why not do the roads and earn bottle caps in town clearing away the snow that isn’t there either.
Oh Lord…. Bird is now at the barn with her dead rat, stretching it out and tanning it with brain juice and tears of a failed life. The producers even ask off camera if she is OK. Wow, like even the production company has finally realized that her mental state is about as stable as a chain-smoker on a flight from LA to Japan. She cheerfully and quickly answers ‘just fine’ as she continues to rub and stretch the rats skin around. She also progresses her engaging talk about the finer points of rat mutilation as the crew silently steals away to watch Bear on the mountain pretending to be a skilled mountain man.
Bear is now starting a blazing fire to cook his meal. Is it a rabbit he has trapped? A deer he has brought down with his bow and arrow? A fish he barehandedly caught in a frozen river? None of the above. He pulls out a can of outdated SPAM™ and cooks bit over the raging inferno. He takes one bite, calls it delicious and then back to the party in town where the crew waits for him to embarrass himself a little more in front of the ladies.
And of course we are now presented with facts that everyone on the planet already is aware of. Bear is about to be a father. He crows on about the joys and tribulations that await him as he puts his DNA out front in a child he most probably will only see once a year, under a guard and for about 2 hours. He neglects to mention the next 18 years of ever increasing child support, insurance payments, alimony, private school fees, medical costs, and the million other things deadbeat dads go to court for every other month. Billy even gets on board and claims what a fantastic father Bear will be, then promptly heads back to his opium den and his delusional hallucinations.
Gabe makes the major mistake of heading over to Bird’s infamous cathouse. He throws a rock at the door and Bird comes to the door. Gabe asks where has she been, and what has she been up too. She runs inside and gets the rat shoes on and shows them to Gabe who is visibly repulsed at her, and her creepy behavior. Finally, he says what we have all known for a long time. He says she needs to get away from those cats because she is clearly losing her mind, then says what she needs is a man, a guy to show her how loathsome and objectionable she has become. We all broke up laughing here at the RO house, for once, someone has actually told the truth on this show. Bird is insane and now the world knows, too. Gabe is invited inside to try the rat slippers on, and in his nice enough way, agrees to go along with the story unless she becomes a raging lunatic and makes him into a rug for her cats. He manages to try the rats on, and still declares that it is creepy and shortly thereafter leaves to make an emergency call to Bird’s therapist.
Gabe walks over to the house site to help Bam set up the wall with the truck and pulleys. Gabe climbs the tree with no tools to attach the pulley, but somehow gets it done. Bam is clearly reaching a boiling point as he questions Gabe’s intentions to get the wall up. Bam climbs behind the wheel of the truck, and starts to put tension on the rope and the wall fails to lift at all. Bam is now at the point of no return and Gabe is even fearful of Bam’s designs on him. But Bam has other plans as he takes 5 Xanax and quietly tells Gabe it is no problem, mistakes get made and let’s move on. So after wasting a whole lot of time and lumber, the house sits again neglected till next week, when the construction crew will already have it built, or it will be part go the ongoing storyline of imbeciles attempting to build a house.
The short and meaningless scene of bottle caps owed and delivered is played out between Noah and Bird at the cat house. Noah takes delivery of the useless caps and leaves before he can become involved with his crazy sister any longer than need be. I never did get why she owed him bottle caps and what work was done to force her to make a payment. He said he would plow snow for bottle caps, but it seems nothing on her ‘property’ was cleared of snow.
Since the show has run out of original material to present, we are treated to a rerun of the house build failure as Gabe and Bam try to lift a wall using pulleys and a truck. I thought I may have hit the rewind button, but that was not the case. So I sat there and watched the two tear up the wall frame again, and laughed at such ignorance.
The end of the episode is near, the barn is now used for illegal gambling as Rain, Bird, Bam, Noah, Rhain w/H all gather to have poker night among the smelly animals and manure. Bear walks in to join the fun. He announces to all that he is going to be a father, and they all appear to think that he will be the best father ever, they even say so. How they manage to come to this conclusion is never made clear. The game of Texas Hold Em starts and the monetary winnings consist of bottle caps. I guess Gabe was not invited as he is nowhere to be seen, most likely out searching for his wife and missing child. Bam fills in for Billy giving the summary to the show, the house is being worked on, the projects are all going well, Bear is starting a family and more of the usual Billy Gospel, except delivered by Bam. Seems Billy and Ami cannot waste their time to even show up for their own show.
The house – I’ve seen framers put up the frame of a house in a day. Sometimes two. What are they dragging it out for? It seems every time they start, the Brown clan starts goofing off with something else and then leave the project hanging in the air. The rat slippers and Bird – I am sorry to say but I now agree with almost everyone else that Bird is in serious need of counseling, and as Gabe said, a guy in her life. But the catch is, who would want to be with her, or even associated with her pathetic family of moochers, leeches and miscreants ? Maybe some meth head looking for a steady cash flow, or an old man whose chances of finding a mate have slimmed down considerably. Either way, I am afraid that we are seeing the decline of Bird and her mental state when she has to resort to making rat stew and rat slippers for hers and our entertainment. Unless of course this is all just made up scripted nonsense, which I am seriously doubting much anymore. Who would write this crap? And why? What could possibly be the point in airing this total foolishness?
Bear becoming a father – With all the praise given Bear that he will be a wonderful dad and a great father, it may be true, if only he wasn’t an absent dad and father. I’m not saying that absentee fathers are bad, it just usually happens long after the child is born in most cases. The parents divorce when the child is older than newborn. Trying to establish a strong father – son relationship is going to be very difficult when you only have sporadic contact, and that the contact is further hampered when the parents don’t get along very well.
Needless to say, this episode has dredged into the lower sanctum of TV trash….
More or less…..
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