Grab yourself a big bag of snacks, kick your feet up, and get ready for this weeks exciting episode recap of Alaskan Bullshit People. In this forgettable episode, SpotlessAmi decides her boys need to surround her with grand-babies and hires a matchmaker, DuhVinciNoah invents a clothes incinerator, and the Brownclownz settle in to their cabin… Built by a Ketchikan construction company on land leased by Discoverup Channel.
As usual, ParkSlop spends the first minute of narration trying once again to convince us this traveling band of vagabond grifters really has been living in the bush for the last 30 years. The narrator tells us since they moved to the island they have been living “…in tents and primitive shacks, something they’ve done all their lives.” Pfffftttt! They’re so full of crap, no wonder their name is ‘Brown’.
In the next action-packed scene, DuhVinciNoah is so smart, he built BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi a bed which is too big and heavy to get to the upstairs bedroom. Wouldn’t a ‘genius’ have built it upstairs in the first place? Oh well, he’s a genius so I guess he knows best.
Mutt draws elaborate plans on his hand involving a pulley and some rope. Is hoisting a bed really that elaborate that you have to draw it on your hand? Oh wait, I’m sorry… I forgot these people are ‘bush’.
Thankfully, the family that has no money and finds everything they need in the dump magically produces brand new, industrial strength pulleys. ExtremeBore rigs them up extremely quick and in no time the family is ready to lift BullshitBilly up the stairs. Oh, and also lift their love-nest up to the second floor.
While ExtremeBore continues to rig the pulley’s, BullshitBilly and the rest of the Brownclown Boyz head out to bring in the ‘bed’ DuhVinciNoah built to be his parents’ love nest. I’m no carpenter, but this thing looks like he took a couple of loading pallets, hot glue, and tree bark and slapped them all together in a hodgepodge of junk. Is that really a ‘bed’ that was built by a genius? He’s obviously not a genius at woodworking (or much less anything else judging by what we’ve seen so far). But hey, ParkSlop and Discoverup want us to believe that BullshitBilly’s fat ass will sleep comfortably on this bush bed. Good Lord.
Half of those planks in the picture don’t even extend to the other side! How are they going to hold any weight? Not that it matters since they sleep in Hoonah most nights at the Misty Bay Lodge, but c’mon, ParkSlop… we’re supposed to believe this is what a genius constructs as a bed? Homeless people would look at that pile of disfigured garbage and say, “No thanks, I prefer the pavement.”
DuhVinciNoah should return his Doctorate from MIT.
Next, BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi have a heart to heart with Mutt. He’s in his mid thirties and his loving parents tell him that they think it’s time for him to get his own place, something more substantial than a house made of Saran Wrap. Although a see-through house would make it easier for his overbearing parents to keep an eye on his every move. Meanwhile, The rest of the family stakes out their portions of the cabin where they will act like they sleep every night. The girls get their own space, while ExtremeBore decides to sleep under the stairs in a pile of his own scat. Bum decides he will take the trapper shack.
Next we see the family attempt to convince us that they actually do their laundry in a cold stream using rocks. If you’ve watched more than 2 minutes of this show you are fully aware that this is complete and utter nonsense. SpotlessAmi’s wool sweaters… washed in a cold creek… rubbed against rocks… C’mon ParkSlop. At least try to be a little bit convincing when telling a lie.
BullshitBilly has a great idea. He tells DuhVinciNoah that the family needs some sort of way to dry their clothes after they are washed. Again, he makes demands of his children to provide for him while he hibernates. DuhVinciNoah thinks for amoment and asks, “Like a clothes dryer?” Whaoh! Slow down there, DuhVinciNoah. Some of us aren’t as quick as you.
Off we go to the Brownclown version of WalMart, the Hoonah Dump! Mutt, DuhVinciNoah, and Wolverine scour the dump for something that they might be able to fashion into some kind of clothes dryer. The funny thing is, if you watch that scene you see dozens of appliances lying on the mountain of junk. Why not take an existing clothes dryer and modify that? Oh wait, it wouldn’t be ‘bush’ enough.
Instead, the Brownclown Boyz decide that an empty 55 gallon drum (like the ones used in S02:E15) would make a better clothes dryer. Okayyyy.
Mutt discovers that there are a lot of tires laying around the junkyard and has an idea. How about a tire house? This from the same guy that brought us the Saran Wrap house. So, a tire house it is. Mutt and the other 2 stooges frolic and play getting the tires onto the boat.
When the boyz are done clowning around loading the tires, they return to their
filming location home. Mutt’s very excited to start his Firestone House and starts slapping together whatever tires will stack on top of each other. I guess it requires no planning to build a house with different sized tires as opposed to lifting a bed up the stairs, which requires elaborate hand drawings.
Next, the Parents of the Year gather the children for
an intervention a family meeting. At the meeting, SpotlessAmi announces her demand for grand-babies. Isn’t it sickening every time she says that word? Her dead-behind-the-eyes expression and the uptick in her voice when she says that word… <shudder>. Creepy. She tells the Brownclown Boyz that she hired a matchmaker (again, where do they supposedly get the money?) and she will be asking them some questions in order to pair them up with victims dates.
The boyz complain about having their mother ‘hire’ a matchmaker. Why are they shocked? Didn’t they read the script?
Finally, the family can rest easy because DuhVinciNoah has finished his clothes dryer… I mean incinerator. It’s a metal barrel with a metal grate inside that sits over an open fire! I don’t mean to keep harping on this hapless buffoon and his moronic ‘inventions’, but for God’s sake would you please sit DuhVinciNoah down and have a meaningful discussion with him and tell him that he is not a genius, he’s a barely functioning simpleton!
In true Brownclown fashion, DuhVinciNoah summons ExtremeBore to light an extreme fire. When the temperature reaches high enough to melt lead, they summon over SpotlessAmi to throw in some wet clothes she’ll never miss. They roll around the barrel a couple times (which barely rolls) and the clothes start steaming. ExtremeBore pulls them out and declares the clothes, “Extreme!”
With Matchmaker Susie on her way, the Brownclown Boyz begin grooming themselves. ExtremeBore wants a girl that will howl back when he howls. The rest of the Brownclown Boyz tell the matchmaker what kind of girl they are looking for. With their qualifications, the best they could hope for is ‘someone with a pulse’.
Right after, the boyz head to town to check the mail and see if they have dates. Wait, they get mail? With all the hype and lectures about these people are so ‘bush’, I’d expect mail to be delivered by a Bald Eagle, or maybe by Kenneth “Can I please be on TV” Skaflestad. So, the boyz gather at the local pizza place, which they seem to go to a LOT! Only ExtremeBore and Wolverine received matches. Apparently the rest of the women in and around Hoonah are sane. They open their envelopes and ExtremeBore is happy he was matched with extreme Sara. He ponders her extremeness while Wolverine checks out his date.
ExtremeBore is extremely excited to call extreme Sara. He dials extreme and awkwardly introduces his extreme self to her. After a couple of minutes on the extreme phone, ExtremeBore has sealed the deal. Extreme.
Wolverine also calls his match, but the results have yet to be seen.
After returning back to the
filming location island in which they live, BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi take a tour of Mutt’s Firestone House. The walls are paneled with wood, the roof is complete, and Oh LOOK! ParkSlop was nice enough to run electricity to his shack and furnish it with lighting. Now at night, Mutt can see better when cleaning the tears off his pillow as he cries himself to sleep realizing he’s in his mid-thirties and lives in a frickin’ house made of tires! Oh well, as long as it accommodates a female willing to provide SpotlessAmi with some grand-babies! <shudder>
In the final scene, we see the entire Brownclown family gathered around a table that BullshitBilly and AcidRain supposedly built. ParkSlop does their best to make the scene look like the Last Supper. Again, SpotlessAmi states her desire and uses the ‘G’ word. They inform her that Wolverine and ExtremeBore got dating profiles of
extras paid to be on the show actual women sent to them and that they talked to them on the phone for almost three minutes! With that kind of progress, SpotlessAmi can expect gra.. ‘G’ word’s any decade now! Hopefully before her and the other Brownclownz go to jail in January for allegedly defrauding the State of Alaska.