Get ready folks, this episode of Alaskan Bullshit People contains a self-dressing deer, magical chickens, and a guy named ‘Blue Beard’. So, let’s dive right in.
We start out by hearing BullshitBilly tell us how the Brownclownz are starving and they need to put some food on the table. Really? We’re two seasons into this and you just now talk about needing food? What have the Brownclownz been eating the last couple of years? Oh that’s right, they eat in Hoonah!
In one laughable scene, SpotlessAmi, Birdbrain, and Acidrain pretend to be planting a garden… in the middle of winter… on frozen ground. They woefully slap their inadequate tools on the ground acting like they’re doing something useful while SpotlessAmi re-iterates the family mantra of “We’re starving, need food, broke, blah blah blah.” For Christ’s sake Parkslop, are you even trying anymore?
Next we see BullshitBilly awaken from his post-breakfast pre-midmorning nap so that he can make demands on his children to provide for him while he sits on his useless ass. This scene lays the groundwork for the theme of the episode. BullshitBilly matches Mutt with Bum to go on the hunting trip and provide for the family, despite the fact they don’t always get along that well. Apparently, deer season ends in a couple of days. What have you been doing the rest of deer season? Sounds like poor planning by the head of the Brownclownz. Oh well, let’s just go along with the plot.
Mutt and Bum aren’t too happy about having to go hunting together, but if they don’t the family won’t eat! Oh, the horror!
Meanwhile, ExtremeBore is getting ready for his extreme date, but he’s not sure which extreme camo shirts he’s going to wear. What an extreme quandry. He elicits the help of Merry Hanuka Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt, the supposed fashionista of the Brownclownz.
He tries showing her numerous camo shirts, explaining why they might look good on a date. She says no to every one of his camo selections. WOW! What incredible fashion sense. She convinces ExtremeBore to wear his black shirt, to which he runs out to launder it in ice cold creek water and then dry it in DuhVinciNoah’s clothes incinerator. This method must work… After all SpotlessAmi’s wool sweaters are always spotless and glowing, almost as if they’d been cleaned… in town… by a real washing machine.
Now let’s get back to Mutt and Bum. They take the skiff to a hunting area and skim the shoreline. Mutt sees tracks on the shore and gives us a lesson in how he knows they are deer tracks and where they are heading. Sounds pretty good.
They go ashore and track a deer that you can actually see on camera! This is important to remember when we get further into the episode. Anyway, Bum walks towards it but the deer scurries off before he can get a shot off. Mutt is disappointed, but the two of them decide to pull the boat ashore and head into the wilderness.
Cut back to ExtremeBore. He’s getting ready for his extreme date with not-so-extreme Sara. He and Wolverine take the boat to town and upon arriving decide they need to get her a gift. In good ol’ fashioned bush style, the scour the shoreline for possible gifts. They look for a heart shaped rock because that’s what mom likes. She also likes muffins.
After a whopping 30 seconds of looking at garbage on the beach they abandon their effort and go to the bush tradition of buying her a box of chocolates from a store! How bush!
ExtremeBore waits in the local pizza place (where they seem to go to alot!). Sara arrives and immediately notices that ExtremeBore needs to stand on an orange-crate in order to be at eye level with her. ExtremeBore has an extreme personality, but Sara doesn’t seem to have any personality, at least none she’s willing to share on camera. She does put ExtremeBore at ease with her smile, although it confuses him and he’s not sure whether to smile back or kick a field goal.
The whole thing was really sad. I hope for ExtremeBore’s sake this was scripted because if that dialog (or lack thereof) were real, God help him.
Let’s get back to Mutt and Bum. While arguing their way through the forest, Mutt slips and rolls down a hill. Uh oh! This causes the eldest Brownclown Boyz to have to spend the night at that location. Day turns to night and the two have a heart to heart about their relationship.
Meanwhile, back in Browntown, BullshitBilly has awakened from his post-lunch pre-mid-afternoon nap and informs Wolverine that he wants some eggs. Again, he rolls out of bed, makes demands on his children to provide for him, then goes back inside for another nap. If dad wants eggs bad enough, why doesn’t he get off his lazy ass and get them himself? Sorry, I digress.
He tells Wolverine to take Birdbrain and ExtremeBore into town. He says he heard from a few people that there was a guy in town that had chickens for sale in Gustavus. Really? When were you in town? Why didn’t you just pick up some Pilgrim’s Pride or KFC while you were there?
Anyway, the three head out to fulfill dear dad’s wishes. When they arrive in town, they are greeted by
a ParkSlop extra a local named Bluebeard. Okay. Luckily, Bluebeard has his finger on the pulse of the lucrative Gustavus chicken market and tries explaining to them where to go.
Eventually the trio find Jim Wade, the chicken-master. He lives in a very creepy house / compound. For a minute ParkSlop thought they were filming an episode of ‘American Pickers’ as they pan and cut to numerous oddities on their property (not counting the Brownclownz ba-dum-tish). He instructs them that if they want the chickens but want to pay by bartering, they need to clean out his ‘chicken coop’.
The term ‘chicken coop’ is used very loosely to describe a beat up old van that Jim painted black in order to keep in the heat. He opens the door and there is an immense amount of chicken crap all over the place. I can only imagine the smell when opening those doors. I imagine it’s kinda like when BullshitBilly removes the Jean-jacket portion of his Canadian Tuxedo.
They clean the crap out of the coop and now have to catch the chickens they are going to take. What follows is shameful filler that should have been accompanied by Benny Hill music. All three run around and ham it up trying to catch the elusive chickens. After a bit, they catch them and head back to Browntown.
Next we are taken back to Mutt and Bum. They sit on a slope waiting for a deer to show up. It’s the last day of deer season and wouldn’t you know it, along comes a deer. We never see it on camera since ParkSlop apparently hired Zapruder to film the segment. But hey, let’s take their word for it.
Bum takes careful aim and shoots the deer. Again, we see smoke filled air and the camera shakes and moves quickly, ensuring we never see anything resembling a deer. I guess ParkSlop forgot to CGI a deer in post.
As the Brownclown Boyz approach the deer, there’s no blood to be seen anywhere on the ground. Mutt digs right in and starts to field dress the deer. Let me re-iterate that… He’s going to field dress the deer. Ok, that’s believable, let’s see how Mutt does it. He starts ripping a knife into it and just as quickly as it starts, he’s at the point where all the organs are able to be removed. He shows us the heart and explains all the cool ways you can cook it and how you can use it as a practical joke. The amazing thing about this scene… His hands are completely clean! I’m no hunter but you would think field stripping a freshly killed deer and sticking your hand inside to remove organs would result in at least a little bit of blood or sinew on his hands.
After spotlessly killing the deer just seconds before deer season closes, Mutt and Bum return the deer to Browntown. BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi actually get off their asses long enough to congratulate the boyz for getting along and getting food for this poor, destitute family. He then instructs them to string it up (while he goes and takes another nap).
When everything is ready to go, the lazy couple walk over and starts carving things off the strung up deer carcass. They don’t seem to make a lot of progress, but SpotlessAmi does take time to lament the fact that they are so bush that if they had a penny for every deer carcass they skinned, they wouldn’t need to leach money from Discoverup, ParkSlop, and gullible TV viewers. So, I’m guessing they’ve only skinned this one which was handily hung and skinned already. I guess to these two ‘hard work’ means yelling at your children to do the most mundane, menial tasks while you sit on your asses and muster the strength to periodically ask, “What’s taking so long?”
Now that the Brownclownz have killed ONE deer and their chickens have laid ONE DAY’s worth of eggs, they decide to have a feast! In one shot, we are shown a pot over the fire that contains a ton of pre-cut vegetables like carrots and potatoes. Wow, SpotlessAmi’s garden grows pretty quick… in the winter. OK, maybe they bought a can of veggies with money they made doing an odd-job.
Now let’s look at the… HOLY SHIT! The Brownclownz have found the chicken that lays enough eggs for a Vegas buffet! It’s like when Jesus fed the masses with only five loaves of bread and two fish… but with Brownclownz! Oh, the God’s must be smiling on this wholesome, good natured family to have such abundance with minimal effort.
On a side note: What are they going to feed the chickens? It looks like they have 4 or 5 of them. They require a lot of feed every day. Also, that deer will last about a week. They would certainly starve unless they did something silly like live in Hoonah and only travel out to this god-forsaken island when filming their show. Oh well, let’s not ask too many sensible questions, after all… This is Alaskan Bullshit People!