ABP Episode Recap S02:E12 Bloodlines

This week’s episode had it all… and by ‘all’ I mean all of the BS you’ve come to expect from this fine example of ‘reality’ television.

s2e12-1In the opening scene, the Brownclown Boyz and BullshitBilly walk out to get their skiff ready. Get this… Somehow the Lorcan’s anchor lifted itself and it floated out to sea. I thought BullshitBilly was an expert commercial fisherman and he and his boyz have been around boats as long as they can remember? Yet they somehow forget something as simple as securing an anchor point?!?! Was the fisherman’s lifestyle before or after you lived isolated in the bush for 30 years? The plot point written by ParkSlop to create a sense of distress dangerous situation could spell doom for the Brownclownz.

Thanks to their bush incompetence, Mutt and Wolverine have to take a canoe out on the water to look for the boat. Why? Well, a ParkSlop PA these expert bushmen forgot to cover their skiff. After a bit of action packed rowing, the two find the Lorcan, board it and… Uh oh! Wouldn’t you know it, it won’t start. Will the drama ever end for these people? BullshitBilly didn’t make the all-important trip as it would have interfered with his post-breakfast mid-morning nap.

The Brownclown Boyz decide the engine is shot without so much as checking the basics. Of course, this provides the severely overdone recurring plot-point that the Brownclownz are broke and need money and blah blah blah. For the hundredth time… What are these people doing with the supposed $4ok per episode they make? But hey, let’s once again suspend all disbelief and pretend these grifters are indeed broke (again).

s2e12-2Mutt, Bum, Wolverine, and ExtremeBore go into Hoonah to find a job, and wouldn’t you know it! There’s a big, hand written job request right in the middle of the bulletin board that magically pays the exact amount of money they need for this episode’s necessity item.

The job description says ‘Demolition Job’. Hopefully for ExtremeBore it’s an extreme demolition job. The boyz go and visit the paid by ParkSlop town local. They are told they need to demolish what’s left of the old house on her property. As an added perk, the boyz are allowed to take whatever they want from the place before destroying it.

The boyz come across a tanning bed which is laughably mistaken for a barbecue grill. Really? We’re supposed to believe they are so bush they really think it’s a barbecue grill? Oh, ParkSlop.

s2e12-3This next sequence is the heart of the show. BullshitBilly informs SpotlessAmi that a trooper contacted the ParkSlop production crew and wants to see her. SpotlessAmi immediately gets defensive and wants to know why she is being treated like a “common criminal.” I guess that’s the first place you go to when you’ve spent your adult life grifting. It never occurs to her it could be something routine or simple, so she immediately plays her ‘victim’ card from a family deck containing nothing but victim cards.

She takes Birdbrain with her into town to meet with the officer. He requests that there are no cameras, but ParkSlop has conveniently hidden some to make it look like this isn’t scripted. He tells her that her mother has been trying to reach her and requested a welfare check. SpotlessAmi’s eyes light up thinking she once again scammed the gubmint out of money and was receiving a ‘welfare check’, but soon realizes it’s one of those welfare checks. Again, SpotlessAmi gets all self-righteous and defensive. The officer asks if she would call her mother. SpotlessAmi agrees, but luckily for her, no one is home.

Alaskan Bush People - BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmiKeep in mind she hasn’t been in touch with her family for about 30 years. BullshitBilly allegedly picked her up when she was 15 (but he was 25 so it’s OK) and she apparently never looked back. After seeing her on TV her family probably wanted to straighten out some of the bullshit. It reminds me of those stories you hear about people that join cults and are brainwashed against their families and the other family members try and get them out of there.

Wreck-it-Gabe from Alaskan Bush PeopleSpotlessAmi’s quote is priceless, “I don’t let them know physically where I am.” Uh, you’re on a TV show that tells them exactly where you are, dumbass!

Let’s get back to the awesome job the Brownclown Boyz are doing demolishing a house. Here we see them ham it up for the camera. ExtremeBore does extreme wrecking, while Wolverine tries his best to imitate another X-Men character, Juggernaut. They gut a few more items, including some wood flooring they think will make a great addition to their frankencabin. After destroying enough of the supporting structure, Bum and Mutt decide it’s too dangerous to continue working on the inside. Mutt says he has an idea and scurries off leaving the other three.

Cutaway to our next heartfelt snippet where SpotlessAmi instructs AcidRain on how to make clothes hangers from sticks and string. Joan Crawford much? You spend money on new sweaters and coats for each episode but clothes Alskan Bush People - Episode recaphangers are where you decide to pinch pennies? What issue of Kids HighLights did you steal from the dentist’s office that taught you this ‘bush’ craft?

The locket scene at the end was very touching. “Grifter-twin powers, ACTIVATE!”

Mutt returns with his junkyard bromance Crazy Kenny (insert good-time banjo music intro here). He brings his massive truck to the site, complete with Mutt howling like a fool hanging on to the side. They hook ropes to Crazy Kenny’s truck and then wrap them around various load supporting members in the house. Comedy ensues when they mistake Wolverine for a load supporting member.

Before you know it, the house is brought to the ground. The triumphant Brownclown Boyz celebrate the fact that a woman paid them to demolish an old house but all they did was reduce it to a large pile, take a bunch of things from the inside, then leave. Apparently in the bush demolition doesn’t include hauling away the debris. Maybe the Brownclownz will get paid for that in an upcoming episode where they need money for something like a broken generator or legal bills.

s2e12-6Now let’s sit back and relax and watch ten minutes of SpotlessAmi and her estranged family’s issues. BullshitBilly and ParkSlop producers inform SpotlessAmi that her family is trying to get a hold of her because her mother had a stroke. SpotlessAmi fills us in on the fact that she heard through the grapevine that her mother did in fact have a stroke but that was years ago. They decide to call the family (off camera and off microphone) to see if this is regarding a new stroke or the old stroke. When they return, SpotlessAmi is even more pissed off because apparently this call was regarding the stroke a few years ago. The nerve of her family! Bothering her with news that they may or may not know for sure SpotlessAmi knows about, but now found a way to contact her in case she didn’t know! Bastards!

SpotlessAmi claims they just want to contact her because she’s on TV now… doing a show about how ‘bush’ the family is… on TV.

SpotlessAmi is so infuriated over their attempt to hear the slightest peep from her indicating she’s OK that she needs to lie down in their bush tent (with electricity). Hopefully BullshitBilly can find somewhere else to take his late-morning pre-lunch nap.

s2e12-7The episode ends (thankfully) with a somber setting featuring SpotlessAmi doing some soul searching and writing her family a letter. We never see the actual written letter and after shoving it in an unmarked envelope, we don’t see that it’s mailed.

Would someone PLEASE find her family and get their side of the story. That would be infinitely more entertaining than watching BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi act like hypocrites when it comes to family, children and grandchildren.

NOTE: Espisode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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