ABP Episode Recap S02:E13 A Big Gamble

Alaskan Bush People boat integrity

Well, another week. That means it’s time for another recap of Alaskan Bullshit People.

Alaskan Bush People episode S02:13SpotlessAmi, Birdbrain, and AcidRain head out to the beach for some target practice. I thought Birdbrain was the ‘marksman’ of the family, although we’ve only seen her with a rifle in her hand for 2 minutes total in all previous episodes. BullshitBilly always sends out the boys to do the phony hunting (see S02:E11 Episode Recap) when they’re not eating in Hoonah or at the craft services table ParkSlop provides.

Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt bets her mother and sister and wagers hugs and kisses that she can hit something better than they can?!?! She should have just taken her weapon, turned it on them, and stole the boat to make a run for the nearest child protective agency.

ExtremeBore from Alaskan bush People breaks his hand.BullshitBilly and Bum are discussing which construction company Discoverup and ParkSlop will hire to build their next house. Suddenly, ExtremeBore appears and is in extreme pain. It seems that he has extremely broken his extreme hand. BullshitBilly is worried for him because if ExtremeBore can’t use his hand, he won’t be extreme anymore, thus losing lucrative sponsors of extremeness related activities. Although they never show his hand and his face in the same shot, it does look as though he is in some pain. With the Brownclownz’ poor acting skills, I doubt he was faking, but the way they edited it and the doctor’s office scene seems weird to me.

Mutt fashions a makeshift splint on the hand, luckily before the camera is able to get his hand and ExtremeBore in the same shot. They then run to the nearest doctor in Hoonah. Hold on. I thought these people were so bush and lived isolated for the last 30 years? So how did they deal with the multitude of injuries and danger the Brownclown Boyz seem to always get into? They also do a lot of complaining about modern medicine, yet when they have a headache or smash their hand, they run right to the nearest doctor… which they hate… to get pills or treatments… which they hate.

Donate to the ASPCA
Seriously, please give to the ASPCA

Once again, BullshitBilly whines and makes his puppy dog face as he worries about how the family is going to survive with all these mounting medical bills. SpotlessAmi’s teeth, now ExtremeBore’s extreme hand… This could cost a few thousand! So… What are you doing with the supposed $40k an episode you make from this bullshit show? You certainly aren’t saving it for the kids’ college. But, hey, let’s just go along with the fact that the Brownclownz need money (again).

s2e13-3Next we meet BullshitBilly’s long-time friend ‘Trapper’. Luckily for the ParkSlop writers out of ideas Brownclownz, Trapper needs $5,000 for a permit for his new business. He has a 70 year old broken down tub just laying around (so does SpotlessAmi, she calls it ‘Billy’ ba-dum-tish) that he’s willing to sell them. This opens up a whole lot of lamentation and soul searching from BullshitBilly as he and Trapper go back and forth trying to finalize a deal that was most likely settled and scripted weeks ago. The whining and moaning about how he doesn’t have $5,000 to spend on a boat becomes turgid and boring after only a few seconds because no one believes what they’re hearing.

At the meeting of Brownclownz Anonymous, the family arrives from town to the cabin location for an hour of filming. Here BullshitBilly chews up a lot of celluloid still droning on and on about how the family needs this for their future Alaskan Bush People are broke... Againbut $5,000 puts them in such financial despair. After 10 minutes, we get it Parkslop! You want us to think the family is truly living in the bush and broke. Your point was delivered with the subtlety of a Louisville Slugger.

Besides, what future is BullshitBilly talking about? The one where he, SpotlessAmi, and the eldest Brownclown Boyz spend years in jail for fraud?

With the matter settled, BullshitBilly, Wolverine, Bum, and ExtremeBore take a 2-day ferry ride to see the boat. Wait a minute? How much did that cost? How come BullshitBilly wasn’t worried about the cost for four Brownclownz to travel for two days, plus food? Maybe SpotlessAmi went without new clean clothes for one scene.

s2e13-5Cut to B-Roll. Here we see DuhVinciNoah getting ready for his date. Listen carefully as he and the ‘fact checkers’ at Parkslop once again step all over their bullshit backstory. DuhVinciNoah claims that he is using a grooming kit that he has pieced together over the years. Really? Last season we heard several stories about how the gubmint burned down your house for no reason and you ‘lost everything‘. Then we were sold another bill of goods at the beginning of the second season when captain Hazelwood sank their boat in the harbor and they told us they once again ‘lost everything‘, except a deer call. How can DuhVinciNoah still have his grooming kit that took years to assemble? And how can Mutt have a roll of Saran Wrap that he’s been ‘carrying around for years’? Oh right, it’s all bullshit. Sorry I forgot.

Upon arrival, the Brownclownz are met by Trapper’s friend Poopdeck Pappy who gives them the keys to the boat. Captain Hazelwood is able to maneuver the SS Grifter out to open water where they can take the boat for a test drive. Back in town, DuhVinciNoah scares the hell out of some poor girl’s grandparents by showing up in his finest puffy shirt and overcoat. He explains he’s doing the noble thing by asking their permission, cuz you know, he’s a dandy. My how they grow up fast. Just a few years ago he was a normal teenager making videos on YouTube and now he’s a puffy shirt wearing pompous ass… From the bush.

Alaskan Bush People hot tubNext, Mutt and Birdbrain create a bush hot tub. I guess the one at the lodge they stay in when not filming was broken? We see Mutt at least four feet deep in this hole. A side shot shows that it is at least six feet long and three feet wide. Let’s see… that’s about  72 cubic feet of dirt (almost 3 cubic YARDS of dirt). That’s a lot of dirt, yet somehow it’s nowhere to be seen around the camp? ParkSlop would have you believe Mutt and Birdbrain shovel-hauled the dirt to the other end of the property… or their poor continuity and editing didn’t catch it. I guess Mutt should invite the backhoe operator for a dip?

Cut back to BullshitBilly and the Brownclown Boyz. A hired captain BullshitBilly pulls the boat back into dock after their test drive. He wobbles a bit until finally getting to the inevitable conclusion that the Brownclowns are going to buy the boat.

Cut back to DuhVinciNoah and his date. He takes her to a playground where they sit on swings and talk about… well, whatever’s in the script. Looking at his clothes and hearing his creepy voice while sitting on a playground swingset you start to think all he needs is a windowless van and this setting makes perfect sense. The poor girl is bored to tears and the look in her eyes tells you she’s just waiting until the check clears so she can end this charade.Alakskan Bush People Noah's leg is cured.

But hey, the date was so awesome that DuhVinciNoah forgot he needs a cane!

It seems to be a signature move on the part of ParkSlop to insert the most unbelievably asinine scenario and acting at the very end.

We’re teased with the fact that after one night, the SS Grifter might not start! Oh, the suspense. I was on the edge of my seat! Then I scooted back a little and I was fine. For more than four minutes the Brownclown Boyz acted like there was something really wrong and the future of the family is at stake and the blah blah blah.

Then, as suddenly as the mystery appears, it’s solved. Laying just at Wolverine’s feet is a disconnected fuel line. Really? A fuel line just lays right across the floor for anyone to trip on? And why wasn’t there a ton of fuel all over the floor from the disconnected hose? Oh well, just buy into their phony suspense.

Alaskan Bush People boat integrityOf course, when Wolverine hooks it up, the shitbox starts and it’s happy sailing. I guess part of the deal was for Poopdeck Pappy to give them the boat full of fuel already.

So, what will happen next week? Will BullshitBilly sink yet another boat? We’ll find out in the next exciting, action packed installment of Alaskan Bullshit People.

NOTE: Espisode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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