HEY Folks! Another week, that means it’s time for another steamy pile of Alaskan Bullshit People.
For a parody bio on the cast, visit the Alaskan Bullshit People Intro.
The episode starts out by showing SpotlessAmi and her fantastic teaching skills. Here she is teaching AcidRain about chemistry (or something involving sticks and rocks). We’re supposed to be impressed with the depth of knowledge this woman is espousing to her children, but what is she expecting those kids to do with these skills? Instead of teaching advanced, high level rock and stick chemistry she should spend time teaching her kids about dental hygiene, how to write a resume and support themselves, forming a cogent sentence, and overcoming Stockholm Syndrome. AcidRain’s advanced chemistry lesson seems to last all of about 2 minutes, after which they spend most of their time together lamenting the fact that BullshitBilly hasn’t returned yet with the SS Grifter.
Although I must say the one thing they apparently DID teach their boys to do well is falsify government forms.
Next we see DuhVinciNoah and Mutt at the dump looking for B-Roll episode fodder. Their goal is to rig a generator so they can power Browntown. Why don’t they just use the numerous generators that are already on the property? We’ve seen in several episodes where shoddy editing resulted in us seeing DuhVinciNoah’s illuminated purple rope lights and soldering iron in his tent lab, numerous shots of power strips strung throughout BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi’s tent, lights shining through their cabin window, and a hanging light in Mutt’s tire house. But hey, these are real bush people without modern amenities and need to forage in a junkyard to get some big city ‘lectricity.
The entire next segment (almost 10 minutes) is spent trying to convince the audience that BullshitBilly and the Brownclown Boyz are in danger because the boat has no lights and if captain Hazelwood and the SS Grifter even nudges a piece of wood in the water, their lives will be in danger. Really? Why not just hop a ride on the ParkSlop production boat following right next to you. You’re lives wouldn’t be in danger, they would be mildly inconvenienced. Yawn.
Meanwhile, SpotlessAmi is worried because BullshitBilly hasn’t told her what to do in over 24 hours. She arrives in town to call the harbormaster and try and track him down (just like police). She gets nervous because the
production assistant doing the ADR harbormaster tells her they headed out in ‘mildly inclement’ weather. She is so nervous in fact she tells them her name is ‘Amy’, not ‘Ami’ or ‘Am-e’ (her other aliases).
DuhVinciNoah and Mutt continue building their massive power generator to illuminate Browntown using an untested alternator they found in a car already disconnected. Hold on… A standard car alternator generates about 100 amps of current. If you had a 100 amp alternator and a 500 amp battery, it would take roughly 5 hours to charge (and that’s having ExtremeBore peddling WAY beyond his capability). So, every day they would have to peddle that bike continuously for 5 hours to recharge ONE battery if fully drained.
A 500Amp/Hr battery would be able to run 500 watts of power for about 5 hours. Using an inverter for what the Brownclowns claim they will be using it for (power drills-400W, color TV-100W, circular saw-1500W), the time will be significantly less. But hey, DuhVinciNoah’s a genius and he just wants to provide his family with electricity (for a few hours with 5 hours of high speed bike peddling required to recharge).
Next BullshitBilly instructs the kids to find some work hauling things other people won’t. Ever notice BullshitBilly has a lot of demands and needs, but he never does any actual work? He just yells at the kids to do things for him then takes a nap. Anyway, the kids go to their favorite mayor, Kenneth “Can I please be on TV” Skaflestad, and what do you know! He has a job for them. Who would have thought?
The next segment shows DuhVinciNoah making a grinder for their knives and axes. I guess he forgot they have gas powered chainsaws and he just built a power plant so they could use electric tools. Time well spent there, Noah. Next week, he builds a communication system out of empty soup cans and string! Why has MIT not recruited this guy yet?
The last segment is by far the funniest… Hauling four barrels of diesel fuel. A complete and total suspension of disbelief is required to watch this. We were reminded several times by the narrator that these were 600 pound barrels. Thanks to silverr8c on IMDb for providing the correct weight of a barrel of diesel fuel.
silverr8c: Those were 55 gallon barrels. Diesel fuel weighs 7.15 pounds per gallon. Do the math 55 X 7.15 = 393.25 pounds.
Reference video: https://youtu.be/p2wXIRHECNQ
If you look at the video starting at 36:27, the barrels seem to require very little strength to push them down the road. Even BirdBrain has an easy time pushing her barrel. When Bum reaches the pier entrance, he’s able to stop the rolling barrel on a dime. Watching them roll it down the dock is hilarious as they try and act like they’re really hauling full barrels.
When they lift the first barrel, they use a rudimentary rope and dual pulley. Watch how easily the barrel swings reacting to the slightest movement of the ropes. Yep, these are full of 600 pounds of dangerous diesel fuel by golly.
At 39:12 of the video, the unthinkable happens! Wolverine loses his grip on the rope. At 39:20, you see them holding up the 400 poun… Sorry, 600 pound barrel with one hand each! The strength of those two is off the charts! If that truly were 400 pounds on the other end of that rope through a dual pulley being held loosely with one hand it would be crashing on the ground before you could say “Bullshit”. They then load the remaining barrels and head out to sea.
BullshitBilly continues to moan about how they are $5K in debt and his family’s future is on the line and they need this business and blah blah blah. At $40k/episode, no one believes your family’s future is threatened or everything is on the line if the SS Grifter can’t haul scraps a few miles up the coast.
In the last segment we see another 600 pound barrel swinging in the breeze like a pinata. This transforms into a sneak peak at next week’s action packed episode: Discoverup and ParkSlop pay DuhVinciNoah’s girlfriend to go on a second date with him. It’s funny how SpotlessAmi’s demands on the boys finding women always centers around her desire to be surrounded by grandchildren. I wonder if her mother felt the same way. Oh well, as long as Ami’s children are never allowed to leave her side and she gets what she wants. Then it looks as if BullshitBilly is trying to scam a local (again). I’m sure some payoffs and editing will smooth the situation over.