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ABP Episode Recap S02:E15 Sink Or Swim

Alaskan bush People -Ami demands grandbabiesIn this week’s episode, the Brownclownz deliver their shipment of empty barrels to a remote cabin, SpotlessAmi demands grand-babies and drives away DuhVinciNoah’s girlfriend, and the SS Grifter gets a makeover.

This episode should have been titled “Watching Paint Dry.” It was incredibly slow moving and uninteresting. But hey, there were quite a few awkward moments that made it utterly forgettable.

In the first 20 minutes we are treated to another circus act of Brownclownz hauling their empty barrels. As the SS Grifter reached it’s destination, the boyz pull the skiff to the side and begin loading the barrels. Alaskan Bush People - Skiff on rough seas They load the first one, which swings like a pinata, and place it on top of the bench seat of the small skiff.

Again, we have to completely suspend all disbelief. If those truly were 600 pound barrels and they were placed at the highest point of the skiff, the boat would teeter and the barrel would fall over at the slightest wave. But hey, we’ve come this far let’s continue with the charade.

They get the first barrel to shore, which again is moved with the greatest of ease. As they head out to get the second one, the weather starts getting rough! Oh-No’s! ParkSlop does it’s best to convince us this mildly inclement weather poses a huge threat for the Brownclown Boyz as they haul empty barrels 600 pound barrels of diesel fuel.

They goofily load the empty barrel onto the skiff, overacting at the slightest movement.

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Seriously, the link works. Please give to the ASPCA.

Alaksan bush People - Ami never shuts up about grandbabiesOK, hold on to your seats for this next big surprise… SpotlessAmi bugs her children about grand-babies! This week’s lucky recipient is hapless DuhVinciNoah, the ‘genius’ of the family. He went on one date with Kristy and is convinced she is the one if she can pass the second date test. I guess for him a second date test consists of whether or not she actually shows up for a second date.

SpotlessAmi asks him what he finds so endearing about Kristy. Get this, his response is that , “I’ve never met an intellect to match my own.” That’s weird… She didn’t seem retarded?! I guess to find someone that matches his intellect he’d have to find a woman with serious head trauma… or a Kardashian.

SpotlessAmi breaks down a bit and shows slight emotion when hearing that her son might have actually found a woman that meets her approval. I also think she broke down when realizing that she will most likely be going to prison in January, thus never seeing her grand-babies. Should’ve thought of that before you decided to defraud the state of Alaska.

Alaskan Bush People - hauling diesel fuel on their skiff Let’s get back to the Brownclown Boyz and their awful acting. The boyz decide it’s going way too slow and want to haul two barrels at a time. Sorry to throw facts into the mix, but the maximum capacity of a 17′ aluminum boat (I’m assuming that’s what it is based on what I’ve seen on the show) is about 1200-1400 pounds. Even if these barrels weighed the actual weight of a 55 gallon drum of diesel fuel (about 440 pounds each) the boat would be below water. 880 pounds plus 3 Brownclown Boyz weighing… I don’t know let’s say 180 each, should put their boat right at the water line at 1420 pounds. Plus, the barrels are raised above the center of gravity by being elevated on the seats. Oh, those Brownclown Boyz… I hope they make it!

Meanwhile, the remaining Brownclown crew are cleaning out the Lorcan before scuttling it and leaving it at the bottom of the harbor like they did their other boat. DuhVinciNoah, taking after BullshitBilly, gets Alaskan Bush People - Ami wants grand-babies dammit!out of work and meets his love interest in town. Again, they meet at the Misty Bay Lodge Restaurant / Pizzeria. DuhVinciNoah tells Kristy that she is in luck! His mother is just down the dock a ways and asks if she would like to meet her. She agrees and the two head out the door.

Back on the Lorcan, the family searches for their heirloom deer call. They look surprised when they see DuhVinciNoah and Kristy walking towards the boat. When they arrive, he introduces her to his mother who immediately begins her embarrassing mantra of wanting grand-babies. You would think she would play it pretty cool. After all, for an unemployed simpleton with no job prospects or future, he’s lucky to even have a woman remotely interested in him Alaksan Bush People - Billy is jealous of Noah's wheelchairwithout pointing and laughing. But no, she dives right in and lays it all on the table.

After embarrassing herself and her poor hapless son, we go to commercial break. When we return, BullshitBilly stops by to see DuhVinciNoah and is immediately jealous that he found a chair with wheels while BullshitBilly still has to use his stupid legs. Plus, the wheelchair would mean he could sleep wherever and whenever he wants without having to have a cot.

BullshitBilly hears from DuhVinciNoah that Kristy came to her senses and decided to go to college instead of spending her life with a bunch of lazy, penniless, grifting vagabonds. BullshitBilly gives his son some advice on finding the right girl.

s2e15-8DuhVinciNoah is so distraught that he spends the day doing no work, instead he laments his lost love in a poem. BullshitBilly is now jealous that he didn’t think of that excuse when getting out of work.

Oh, and once again we’re treated to these primitive ‘bush’ people and their electric lights. I guess that generator DuhVinciNoah built must put a nuclear plant to shame!

Next BullshitBilly works on his next scam. He finds out that there is a competent and trustworthy person in Hoonah already hauling items on his barge. This won’t do. BullshitBilly heads over to talk to Paul Alaskan Bush People - Rebuilding the Integrityand figure out how he can ruin his reputation and livelihood by eventually screwing over one of his customers. Sadly, Paul agrees and wants to inspect the SS Grifter.

The Brownclownz are hard at work fixing up the shitbox. There’s action scenes galore spliced together to convey that they are gutting and fixing up the boat. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt that they really are working hard to make the boat nice and safe…er.

Uh oh, here comes Paul to inspect the SS Grifter to see if it is worthy enough to make some short, small hauls that he doesn’t want to use his barge on. Paul immediately points out numerous flaws on the boat (most of them are the Brownclownz ba-dum-tish).

Alaskan Bush People - Fixing up the IntegrityDespite a laundry list of violations (even longer than the list of charges they are facing), Paul decides to give the SS Grifter a shot. There’s more action scenes of painting and scraping. Mutt is mysteriously scraping then replacing the ‘Intergity’ name with something more befitting the Brownclownz.

At the end, BullshitBilly discovers that the boat has a lot of rot and pulls an entire plank off the side. I was completely surprised and shocked! Mainly because I saw BullshitBilly doing some actual work. SpotlessAmi sticks her head out and comes down to further remind him that the boat is a piece of junk. He thanks her for her opinion and continues pulling rotted wood from the ship. Oh what will they do? find out on the next exciting episode of Alaskan Bullshit People.

s2e15-10NOTE: Espisode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

 

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2 Responses to ABP Episode Recap S02:E15 Sink Or Swim

  1. lakerman1 says:

    slight script inconsistency. the lad had two dates with the girl, but then he dated her the entire summer. which was it?

  2. lalobagirl says:

    Back in Season 2, when I was naive to believe that ABP was a REAL Documentary, and that Discovery was an ‘honest’ station, I fully believed Kristy and Noah had ‘chemistry’ and I felt bad for him when it didn’t work out. I wised up very shortly after that episode. I was floored to find out later on that Kristy was gay. (there is a pic of her and her girlfriend) She’s one helluva an actress!! TBH, I saw more of a ‘connection’ between her and Noah than I’ve EVER seen with him and the “Night Stalker.” Go figure !

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