It’s finally here! The new season, and maybe last season, of Alaskan Bullshit People. Thankfully, it did not disappoint. ParkSlop started out OK by teasing us with the fact they may have actually garnered a bit of professionalism and integrity by jumping right in to a good old fashioned family game time and tree chopping. But, it didn’t take long for them to slip back into their old habits of poor editing, bad storytelling, and bullshit backstories that have more holes than the SS Grifter.
The episode started out showing the Brownklown Boyz engaging in a game of tag… in their thirties! OK, I guess it’s a form of exercise so let’s go with it. I started to think that later they would show them engaging in other adult games like Red-Rover or Duck Duck Goose.
Next, BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi sit peacefully in the woods and lament the fact they won’t be around forever. I’m guessing they’re talking about the possibility of going to jail?
But enough fun and frolic, it’s time to get to work. Wolverine explains how he has to schlep water to the garden, which is so small it would feed the Brownklownz for about a day a year. But hey, these people are ‘bush’ and this is how they survive ok?… OK?! Wolverine has to manually bring the water because they are so ‘bush’ they don’t have fancy things like running water and hoses like they do in the lower 48. So… They have generators and power tools, but nothing as fancy as a hose?
Next we see Birdbrain and AcidRain sitting in the grass eating leaves off the ground. Hopefully no deer has been marking their territory. After they snack on poison ivy we see Mutt making a sword. A sword for Christ’s sake. Why?
Voiceovers from various Brownklownz narrate a montage of them making repairs and additions on their
outhouses homes. One interesting thing to note about this montge is that they seem to have an abundance of builder grade, lumber yard provided 2X4’s. Mutt and Bum are shown building roof lines complete with metal joists. Like I said, it starts out OK because ParkSlop didn’t park a Brownklown in front of the camera to talk about how they made their own wood and live off the land and blah, blah, blah. But wait… We’re getting to that!
After the montage, BullshitBilly awakens from hibernation and discovers that his wood is gone (insert Viagra joke here). Without any wood, how is he going to have his kids build things for him? He immediately calls for a family meeting so they can solve this lumber problem. The family starts to name off the things they want to build in an attempt to estimate how much wood they will need. All seem like legitimate needs except for the summer house on the beach. Really, Mutt… You think they need a summer home on the beach? Good Lord.
The family wastes no time in identifying a tree they will use for lumber. There’s two full segments dedicated to capturing the intense sequence of finding the tree, laying out a track, and eventually cutting it down. BullshitBilly, too tired from missing his late morning pre-lunch nap, let’s Wolverine do the honor of cutting down the tree. It goes well and the tree falls onto the track as planned. Next step, get the tree to the shore so the SS Grifter can haul it to a lumber mill across the bay. The family begins clearing a path. DuhVinciNoah prefers to use his sword because “it’s a tool”, just like him.
Mutt and DuhVinciNoah have a brief spat when they can’t seem to find their bush-pulleys. Now is a good time to point something out… We’re used to seeing SpotlessAmi wearing her always clean and bright sweaters (You know, the ones she cleans in cold stream water and rocks then dries them in DuhVinciNoah’s clothes incinerator). This episode also exposed DuhVinciNoah and his always clean white puffy shirt. How do people have such clean and crisp clothes when they wash them in a creek and bang out the dirt with rocks? Oh yeah, it’s all bullshit… Silly me.
BullshitBilly tells the clan that he knows a guy that can mill the lumber for them using a “Bush Mill” consisting of a horizontal chainsaw run along a ladder. I’ve seen other shows that demonstrated this same method so it seems legit. Captain Hazelwood fires up the SS Grifter and makes short work at getting the logs into the water. They decide to call it a day and get some sleep… I’m guessing in Hoonah.
DuhVinciNoah can’t sleep. He decides to work on his latest scientific breakthrough, the GPOS (Glasses Piece Of Shit). This device seems to serve no new purpose and offers nothing that you couldn’t find at a local store for a few dollars. But no, he’s a ‘genius’ like Alan Einstein and needs to be respected as such. We must, as a society, realize his genius and appreciate his contributions to manki… sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little writing that.
The Boyz finish tying the logs off and they are soon underway. Of course, Mommy Dearest has to have the ENTIRE family come along since she can’t bear to have any of her kids leave her side for more than 10 seconds. I think it’s beginning to really sink in that she may be taken away from her kids for a long time come January so she’s trying to squeeze in as much time as possible before then.
All is going well until… Oh-No’s! The boat is floundering in the water. BullshitBilly loses his temper and begins yelling at his children to find an answer to the problem. They discover that the logs were towed in parallel rather than in series. Mutt and Bum jump into the skiff to solve the problem. Did anyone else laugh their ass off when Mutt hit that huge nail with the hammer and it popped out and went into the water? LOLz. After tying the logs correctly the Brownklownz continue their three hour tour.
Upon arrival, they are met by a good-hearted local that helps them unload and move their logs to the shore. After placing them off to the side, BullshitBilly instructs them on how to use the bush-mill to cut straight, even planks. They get through cutting one piece before BullshitBilly feels the need to leave because work is being done. He returns to the boat and discovers that SpotlessAmi is having pains in the neck and shoulders. I guess after years of being a pain in the neck to her kids, the favor is returned.
Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer Schmidt tries to explain what is going on. She appears on camera looking like the Joker. Obviously she took a cue from Mutt and is using bush makeup (pancake batter and red axle grease lipstick I’m guessing).
SpotlessAmi’s condition triggers a sense of urgency with BullshitBilly and he asks the production crew to get a water taxi over there to get her to a hospital ASAP.
I brought this up last season and it seems the trend is still alive and well. We’re told these are ‘bush’ people that lived isolated and off the land for thirty years, yet in just about every episode they seem to need medical attention and run int to town to the nearest doctor. They also rely heavily on the film crew to handle emergencies like when Wolverine and Mutt got lost at sea. In season one we were fed a bunch of BS about how they don’t like modern medicine and prefer to do things the ‘bush’ way. Last season that seemed to change because they started running to the doctor for some ‘modern medicine’ for every little scratch. Remember Mutt’s eye, ExtremeBore’s hand, and AcidRain’s headache? For people that are truly ‘bush’ they sure require a lot of big city medicine, mainly because of their own gross incompetence when it comes to ‘acting’ like a real bush person.
SpotlessAmi is also distraught because she will be away from her boyz for more than ten minutes. They decide to leave Mutt, Bum, ExtremeBore, and Wolverine with the SS Grifter while DuhVinciNoah, AcidRain, and Birdbrain escort the ‘Parents of the Year’ to the hospital. BullshitBilly tells the eldest boyz to stay put! Do not leave until they hear from him. Bum reiterates the plan stating that when they split up, it’s always best for one party to stay where they are until the other gets back. This is important later on.
I know it was hard for ParkSlop to resist telling us again how these people are ‘expert commercial fisherman’ but they probably felt they had to hold back after witnessing the next segment. The Brownklown Boyz take the skiff and a fishing net and attempt to do something a commercial fisherman should know how to do… catch fish in a net. I expected to hear Benny Hill Yakity-Sax music playing in the background as the boyz try and lay a net in a circle just off shore.
Remember last season when the boyz were hauling those
empty 600 pound barrels full of air diesel fuel? They put two of them in their skiff (elevated on the seats I might add). They sailed through the water at full speed with not the slightest concern for tipping over or load shifting. It was almost as if ParkSlop had them transporting empty barrels or something?!?!
So it seems the 1,200 pound barrels elevated on seats didn’t cause a problem, but a 180 pound Brownklown standing slightly off-center in the skiff causes them to tilt and almost capsize. Bum screams at them to be careful and not rock the boat. Wolverine is the voice of reason and calms them down to where they can accept the inevitable fact that they are incompetent fishermen.
Back in town (again) at a hospital (again) the other Brownklownz take SpotlessAmi to the doctor (again). It was nice of ParkSlop to provide an empty bus for their exclusive use in getting them to the hospital. Oh ParkSlop, tell me again how these people survived isolated… in the bush… for thirty years? Birdbrain can’t enter the hospital because it reminds her of the time BullshitBilly was in one of his work avoidance coma’s. Then why did she come along on the trip if she can’t go inside?
After the break we discover the boyz have magically figured out how to fish. They reel in the net to shore and revel in their bounty. ExtremeBore has given up using his manos femininas to make the fish slightly wobbly and instead uses a rock to bash in their heads.
The boyz take the SS Grifter and head back to their
filming location home. Wait a minute… I thought BullshitBilly gave explicit orders to stay put until he contacts them and Bum even reiterated the point? Oh well, guess the script got changed halfway through. Don’t worry ParkSlop, I’m sure no one caught it. On the way they get a radio message from BullshitBilly that fades in and out. ParkSlop does it’s best (which isn’t saying much) to convince us that the boyz have no clue what’s going on in town with Mommy Dearest and they can’t stand not knowing what condition her condition is in. When they ask the last question, the radio fades out and the signal is lost. Oh-No’s! But wait… I guess they forgot that ParkSlop had a film crew with them AND the other Brownklownz at the hospital. Why not use one of their Sat-phones. They’re obviously in contact with each other. But no, that wouldn’t promote the phony level of distress.
The rest of the minutes of the episode are wasted with flash shots of various Brownklownz asking what they would do without mom bugging them every 10 minutes for grand-babies. Guess we gotta wait until next week to find out if SpotlessAmi’s condition is enough to get her off the hook in January.
As for me I will be on the edge of my seat! Maybe if I scooted back a bit… Ah yes, much better. Stay tuned for next week’s bullshit packed episode of Alaksan Bullshit People!