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ABP Episode Recap S03:E03 Rock Paper Skipper

Alaskan Bush People New SeriesWhat a week it’s been! ParkSlop left us on the edge of our seats with last week’s episode ending with the family scurrying about and Mutt telling us that “… If he only has 24 hours left” blah blah blah! Oh-No’s, did something major happen to BullshitBilly or one of the other Brownklownz?

Fear not, it was all bullshit. More phony hype from a phony TV show about phony people. At least I’ll sleep better knowing that BullshitBilly is well.

Let’s dive right in by talking about the phony ’emergency’. Wolverine, ExtremeBore, and Birdbrain are up high on a hill and hear three shots, indicating either something is wrong, or BullshitBilly is hungry. The group talks over their complex one-shot, three-shot exchange pattern to try and determine what the issue is all about. They fail in deciphering the complex code and decide it’s best to go with the script and act like something is terribly wrong and they should head back to the filming location Browntown.

Alaskan bush People emergency flashcardsWe see a montage of numerous ParkSlop accomplices that run around spewing partial sentences and key words that are supposed to elicit an atmosphere of danger. ADR’d voices crackle with life-or-death sentence fragments like, “Prep for an evac” and “something’s really, really wrong.”

ParkSlop embarassingly tries to heighten the phony tension by cutting away to black screens with short, descriptive sentences describing the level of terror surrounding the Brownklownz.

Alaskan bush People - Matt talks about healthcareOh-No’s! Is BullshitBilly OK? Sure he is folks. Remember, it’s all bullshit. We all knew he was well because a week before this episode aired BullshitBilly and Bum phoned in a plea deal in their upcoming court battle centered around defrauding the state of Alaska. Oh, and they phoned in their plea deal from Seattle! I thought the Brownklownz lived in the bush and were preparing for winter and all that other bullshit?!

Apparently while working in the woods, DuhVinciNoah thought that BullshitBilly was going to pass out. It’s OK though, nothing to worry about. He was merely looking to get out of work. After all, if I was stuck working with DuhVinciNoah I’d fake a life threatening illness too!

s3e3-3While BullshitBilly sits and moans in the house, the kids immediately start fighting over who makes the call to pull the plug. SpotlessAmi uses all of her high school dropout science knowledge and asks him questions to determine if he is still of solid mind like, “What version of our backstory are we currently on” and “When will I get some grand-babies?”

But, like the old saying goes… You can’t keep a good Brownklown down. They accept the fact that both of their parents are now completely useless chuds and begin doing things for themselves.

s3e3-4Mutt decides to finish Kenny’s burial plot (he seemed to disappear suddenly from last week’s episode). He adorns the crypt with mud and spreads seeds on the top so that eventually overgrowth will hide the evidence. In the meantime, the Brownklownz will use it as a root cellar.

Remember last season when BullshitBilly spent several episodes whining about how the family needed this shipping business to take off and keep them alive! Well, after not hauling anything for a while they finally get a script approval job hauling something in nearby Gustavus. BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi lament the fact that maybe the boys should do this on their own because maybe they have been holding their children back. I’m sure I was one in a chorus of millions that shouted ‘NO SHIT!’ back at the TV. Your oldest son lives in a tire house because every time he tries to leave your Munchausen’s flares up so they cling to your side and you’re just now realizing that YOU and your selfish wife ‘may‘ have been holding the kids back? Good Lord.

Alaskan bush people - Selfish AmiAs usual, SpotlessAmi whines about her kids being gone. She chokes back tears when she says she hates it when they split up because she’s  a mother hen and wants all of her children constantly by her side. I wonder if her mother felt the same way? Oh well, it’s all about what SpotlessAmi wants that matters.

Oh, and did you notice that SpotlessAmi’s teef are now fixed? She no longer has ‘summer teeth’ (Y’know, some are over here, some are over there…). How many halibut did that cost the Brownklownz? How many ParkSlop personnel were needed to schedule and arrange the medical Alaskan bush people - Ami gets her teeth fixedtransport, evacuation, and after-care required?

Next we are treated to an action sequence when a bear is spotted on multiple night vision cameras entering the Brownklown Kompound. Since there were apparently no ParkSlop camera’s around, the Brownklown boyz had to film it using one of the half dozen night vision cameras strapped to a tree. DuhVinciNoah shows up with a rifle in an attempt to scare it away. He could have just used his personality but instead wastes two perfectly good bullets to make the bear scurry. After all, they grifted hard for the things in their camp and their not about to be out-grifted by a stupid bear.

In the morning three of the Brownklown boyz go to see a dead bear that Mutt found earlier. Did anyone else find it odd that ParkSlop just happened to place a night vision camera right where that bear would end up killing and eating another bear? Wow!

Alaksan Bush People - Leaky roofBullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi then do what they do best… Sit on their asses and tell their kids what to do for them. He tells them that the roof is leaking because, well, they have no roof… So it’s time to put a roof on the place. I guess when Discoverup and ParkSlop hired that Ketchikan construction company to build the house for them , they forgot to ask for a roof. BullshitBilly tells them there is a guy willing to trade some roofing tin for some work. Once again, the convenience of the plot unfolding is just too coincidental. How is it that whenever the Brownklownz need something there just happens to be ‘someone’ in a town that has it and will trade it in exchange for B-Roll fodder.

Captain Hazelwood and the other Brownklown boyz take the SS Grifter to Hoonah to pick up the roofing tin. But first, the boyz must complete some work.

Alaskan Bush People - rain and Bird in a blueberry fightIn a quick cutaway scene, Birdbrain and AcidRain head out to pick some blueberries. They quickly decide to ham it up for the cameras in an attempt to make it look like they have fun. They do this by smearing blueberries all over each other’s faces. In the end Acidrain’s face still looks better than it did a couple of episodes ago where she appeared on screen looking like the Joker.

Now back to Hoonah where BullshitBilly and the Brownklown boyz find the man that wants them to sort through some debris in exchange for giving them roof tin. Seems easy enough so they dig right in and begin sorting the material. BullshitBilly and DuhVinciNoah stay on the boat. Has DuhVinciNoah taken over dad’s duties of getting out of work? His gimpy leg seems well enough to show off for Kristy and practice his Tai-Cheesey, but somehow when work is to be done he takes after dear old dad and just sits on his ass.

s3e3-9Anyway, the Brownklownz make quick work of the cleanup and load a suspiciously small amount of material for a roofing job. It seems to only consist of about a half dozen sheets. But hey, this is the bush so let’s just buy into it and not ask too many questions, ok?…OK!?

Alaskan Bush People - leaky roof fixedWhen they get back, we discover that somehow the roof is already prepped and ready for a layer of tin. How did this happen while they were gone? It’s almost as if someone decided these incompetent buffoons weren’t able to lay a simple shingle let alone put on an entire roof so they hired professionals to come out and get things ready. After all, Discoverup and ParkSlop have a lot invested in that land they lease for the filming and the house they paid someone else to build so I’m sure they want to make sure it’s done right!

BullshitBilly and Mutt talk about how best to tackle the roofing job. Mutt explains that he would like to be in charge of this because he can lead without looking like he’s leading… Or something like that. BullshitBilly attempts to give him some tips on Alaskan Bush People - Tin roofleadership, but since he exhibits no qualities of leadership or even basic competency when it comes to even the most menial tasks, he decides to let Mutt go it alone. After all, he couldn’t do any worse.

Mutt decides he wants Wolverine and ExtremeBore to be on the roof while he lifts the sheets of tin up to them using a rope. Sounds like a good idea.

The next few minutes seem plausible as they hoist a piece of tin to the roof without using any of DuhVinciNoah’s stupid non-working inventions. The other two are able to place it and all seems well. They’re not a well oiled machine but let’s give them a little credit they are actually trying to lay tin sheets on a high roof by themselves. I’m sure ParkSlop had several ambulances and air-evac’s waiting nearby.

After working on his trapper-shack home, Bum decides that the work on the roof is going too slow and comes over to take charge. He decides that hand-lifting the sheets will save more time. The first one slips from Wolverine’s hand and the yelling begins.

Alaskan Bush people - Roof finishedSuddenly… Oh-No’s! It begins to rain. The sense of urgency and danger is delivered to the viewer with the subtlety of a Louisville Slugger. I did notice that while they are all complaining and whining about how bad the rain is and how they need to hurry, they still had time to stop and attach Go-Pro’s to the end of some sheets for some ‘action’ roof laying shots.

As they near the end, we see the roof is complete. How nice that the small amount of multi-colored tin was enough to do their roof complete with a cap.

Next we’re treated to another episode of DuhVinciNoah’s Tent of Horrors! He explains that while others are doing work that will actually improve their situation and provide for the family, he prefers staying indoors listening to opera and conducting experiments.

Sadly, to this simpleton an ‘experiment’ is pinning a bat to a piece of plastic. And what exactly is that an ‘experiment’ of?

s3e3-13He explains the other numerous earth shattering experiments he’s conducting and states that, “…Nature is the greatest teacher.” Except of course for mommy and her rock and stick chemistry lessons that last 30 seconds.

Next SpotlessAmi decides to check out Kenny’s resting place the root cellar. Again, it’s another Brownklown building that has lights inside.

The boyz then gather to decide who will be the next skipper of the SS Grifter when they leave to do this all important, future is on the line, family’s life in jeopardy hauling job in Gustavus. Mutt and Bum play Rock-Paper-Stupid to see who will be the next in line to scuttle an otherwise sea-worthy vessel. Bum wins (or loses depending on your perspective).

The family gathers to say goodbye to the boyz. SpotlessAmi puts on an Oscar-worthy performance crying about how she will be separated from her adult children for a few days. I hope it’s an act because I would hate to think that she is actually that batshit-crazy.

The last minutes of the episode are wasted on the boyz telling us how they are excited about the trip. There are action shots galore showing Brownklownz climbing and steering and doing boat-ey things. The end.

Stay tuned for next week’s action packed episode of Alaskan Bullshit People!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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