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ABP Episode Recap S03:E08 Bush Heart

Just as soon as the bullshit starts, it ends! Here we are at the end of the season and man oh man are there plenty of questions to be answered. For example, will the Brownklownz get jail time for defrauding the state of Alaska? Where will the remaining Brownklownz go since they once again abandoned their ‘home’ that Discoverup and ParkSlop built for them on land they lease on an island inhabited by several dozen other people? I’m sure these questions and more will not be answered until after the court case and jail time is settled and BullshitBilly and the Brownklownz return from wintering in Seattle.

Let’s jump right in and start at, well, the beginning. An interesting point was brought up on the IMDB message boards for this show pointing out that the opening narration has changed. Initially we were told that, “… Deep in the Alaskan wilderness, there is a family that lives wild.” With everyone catching to to the complete and total bullshit that is Alaskan Bullshit People, ParkSlop changed the introduction to say, “… Deep in the Alaskan wilderness, there WAS a family that lives wild.” This family hasn’t seen wild in… Well, forever.

Alaskan Bush People - Billy talks to NoahLet’s get started with the episode. The first 45 minutes drag on like watching hair grow. We see the eldest Brownklown kidz braving the harsh weather in the SS Grifter as they try and get their load delivered. BullshitBilly pays a visit to DuhVinciNoah’s Tent Of Horrors and tells him he’s weird. He also tells him he doesn’t like not being able to get hold of the boyz on the SS Grifter. I think this segment was actually an abandoned plot point because as we’ve seen in every other lazily scripted episode, BullshitBilly asks DuhVinciNoah to ‘invent’ something which in the end fails miserably or is abandoned because it exceeds his basic knowledge of anything electrical or mechanical. Why doesn’t he just use a cell phone? We’ve seen them on the dash of the SS Grifter before ParkSlop wised up. The scene ends with nothing being done or asked.

Alaskan Bush People boat IntegrityFinally, the Brownklonz arrive at Tenekee Springs, a town with 60 residents. ParkSlop wasted a whole bunch of ions (again) telling us how the weather was really getting bad and that they really shouldn’t be out in this mildly inclement weather. ParkSlop needs to find some other tension fodder besides rough weather and the SS Grifter breaking down. It seems every episode they face the same minor obstacles and we’re supposed to think these ‘seasoned’ fishermen are in danger and may not make it. Yawn. Try and come up with something more believable like a giant shark or the law is chasing them.

Mutt and Wolverine jump in the skiff so they can get to the dock and help Captain Hazelwood, Jr. dock the SS Grifter. Bum and the others argue like they always do but they eventually get the boat to the dock with minimal damage (at least what’s shown on TV).

Alaskan Bush People window deliveryThe boyz then offload their massive, well paying hauling job of 2 windows onto the skiff. Just how profitable is it to hire a 60-foot 60 year old gas-guzzling WWII wooden vessel to haul 2 windows? I find it very hard to believe that any of this hauling business stuff is in anyway real. The amount of money they lose would eat into the money they make from each episode.

Alaskan Bush People window deliveryAnyway, Bum and Wolverine deliver the windows, and by deliver I mean they dumped them off at a trailhead. We’re told that there is no way to reach the client so they were instructed to just leave them leaning against the bridge. I hope a small wind doesn’t kick up and knock these windows over! Oh-No’s, what will they do then! Oh right, it’s all bullshit. Sorry.

While Bum and Wolverine leave the soon to be damaged windows, Mutt heads over to the ‘Free-Cycle’ center in town. He explains that it’s a place where locals place things they no longer need or use and others can come and take them as long as they leave something in it’s place.

Alaskan Bush People freecycle centerMutt explains he’s going to leave 2 pairs of bush socks. After which, he takes an armload of items in exchange. He loads up with a bunch of spoons, marbles, a coffee cup, an ice tray, power drill, books, and other items. Wow! What a great community spirit you have there. I guess that’s the way he was brought up. In exchange for his massive donation of socks worth about $2, he takes a lot of items that actual ‘bush’ people could surely use.

After taking his fill, Mutt leaves and returns to the SS Grifter. Back at the filming location, BirdBrain and AcidRain find a baby bird on the ground and immediately take it to DuhVinciNoah’s Tent Of Horrors! He explains that the family not only considers him a genius, but also a death merchant. Man, is there anything this guy can’t do? I think it’s not so much that he has no problem putting them down if needed, it’s that they just die naturally under his incompetent care.

He places the bird in a plastic (bush) cage and instructs the wonder twins to find worms. DuhVinciNoah says they can’t name it until they determine the sex of the bird. BirdBrain says it’s both a boy and a girl, so they name it Kaitlin Jenner.

Back to the boyz. They still have to deliver the refrigerator in Gustavus. They use their pulley system to offload the refrigerator and place it on the dock. Nothing to see here.

Back to the filming location. Once again (yawn) ParkSlop tells us of yet another massive emergency that befalls Browntown. I think that ParkSlop is just spitting out a bunch of scenarios that will enable them to end this show with what they perceive as a plausible explanation. If the family does jail time and the show gets cancelled, ParkSlop can play it off as the show not coming back because of BullshitBilly’s health reasons or, as we will soon find out, they lose everything and must start over and decide not to continue being ‘bush’.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah cant fix dadIn this latest emergency, BullshitBilly almost slipped into another one of his work-avoidance coma’s. Last time this happened we saw action shots of ParkSlop minions running around while ADR’d voices spouted out tension-inducing sentence fragments like ‘Billy is down‘ and ‘prepare for evac‘. This time though it seems BullshitBilly and the family were able to set up for a touching shot of them surrounding him and explaining what happened.

Next up, insert Benny Hill Yakety Sax music playing as the Brownklown boyz try and figure out a way to move the refrigerator. It had to be hard without DuhVinciNoah and his stupid inventions, but they actually apply a little common sense and are able to move the refrigerator up the dock. Thankfully, an extra a kindhearted local helps them deliver it using his ATV.

Alaskan Bush People - Billy has a seizureBack at the filming location, BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi have a talk regarding his medical ‘condition’. He states that he has been to many doctors (despite telling us in the first season they despise modern medicine and rarely go to the doctor), and they were unable to find out what causes his seizures. Part of the reason they couldn’t find a cause is because there is no medical condition for work-induced Munchhausens.

SpotlessAmi tells him that he needs to go to the doctor because it will provide a convenient, plausible, and somewhat excusable reason why they can’t continue the show and that their demise has nothing to do with their fraud case.

The next day back in Gustavus, the boyz have an important discussion about socks and how to handle the complex issue of water in their shoes. As they prepare to leave for Browntown, the rest of the Brownklownz are headed to town so BullshitBilly can have more tests done.

Alaskan Bush People - boys compare injuries woundsQuick-cut back to the Brownklown boyz as they share war stories explaining their various wounds. It’s kind of sad. I’m not sure if they’re being serious about the comparison or if they’re just hamming it up for the camera. They show off various puncture wounds, scratches, and in Mutt’s case, a weed-whacker injury.

The levity is cut short as they discover the skiff is sinking. The narrator tells us the skiff has now become dead weight, much like BullshitBilly. Again, cue the Benny Hill music as they try and figure a way to lift the skiff onto the roof of the SS Grifter.

Worry not, the boyz are able to get the skiff out of the water. After they gather and celebrate their pedestrian accomplishment, they hear DuhVinciNoah’s voice crackle over the radio. Hey! I guess DuhVinciNoah invented that communication device BullshitBilly Alaskan Bush People arrive and find bear damagealmost asked him to build. He tells them to meet them in Hoonah, not because filming is done for the day but because BullshitBilly supposedly went to the doctor and they are waiting on the dock. How come in every other episode where a Brownklown needs medical attention we get behind-the-scenes footage of the doctor’s office, hospital, waiting room, or other shots that show they are actually there. However, in BullshitBilly’s case, we never see a hospital, doctor’s office, or anything remotely conveying that he actually went in for tests.

As with other season endings, we now prepare to learn how once again this family of loving grifters has “lost everything”, “must start over”, “family future at stake”, “need donations from viewers” bullshit we’ve come to expect from a JV production company like ParkSlop.

Alaskan Bush People - bear destroys house Ami finds bibleNot surprisingly, the family that has lived in the bush for the last 30 years somehow can’t figure out how to bear-proof a home. We see the exterior damage and see dead chickens on the ground. Why would a bear kill a chicken and leave it on the ground? Aren’t they supposed to be feeding heavily in preparation for winter? And what happened to DuhVinciNoah’s ‘invention’ that was supposed to scare bears away?

SpotlessAmi puts on another Emmy-winning performance as she prepares crocodile tears to encourage gullible fans to feel sorry for them having once again ‘lost everything’. Good thing they’re handsomely paid by Discoverup… That should ease their pain! They had to have known since the beginning of the season that they weren’t going to stay in this home. They didn’t build it and it’s on land Discoverup leases from the actually bush-living owner! But hey, let’s just go with it.

Alaskan Bush People - Victim cardOnce again, BullshitBilly tells us how sad it is that the family has lost everything. Isn’t it pretty pathetic that a man in his 60’s has NEVER been able to provide a stable home for his family? It would be bad enough if it was just him that couldn’t provide for himself and his wife, but they insist their children follow them on this path of destructive ‘victimology’ ensuring they will never be content, successful, or self sufficient because they have never seen an example of successful self- sufficiency from their parents.

Outside the house, the Brownklownz gather to hear the excuses they might use when their show is cancelled because of jail time. BullshitBilly tells them that everything in the home is destroyed and they must once again start over. BirdBrain is really upset and starts crying. I’m trying to think of a nice way to say this, but I hope she’s crying because she realizes she will never achieve anything or have anything of value as long as she sticks with this vagabond band of professional perpetual victims and questions her loyalty to them. Alaskan Bush People - Billy explains the damageIf the kids knew what was good for them they’d run as far away from their parents as possible and find themselves a better environment in which they can expand their horizons and get more out of life than being workhorses for two dried up chuds they call ‘mom and dad’. They’ve dug their own hole of despair and poverty, why drag their kids down with them?

Enough Dr. Phil-ing.  The rest of the episode is wasted having BullshitBilly explain to his children that his brain hurts and not makes him think good. He may have some legitimate medical problems and if so we of course wish him good luck on getting treatment. Despite who he is I would never wish serious illness, especially one that seems like a stroke, on anyone. If it is legitimate we wish him well.

This week we should hear back on the Brownklownz court results and see who does time (or not). UPDATE – Billy and Bam sentenced to 30 days in jail! Hopefully in the months ahead we’ll see if the show is renewed and what the future holds for ParkSlop. Given the level of professionalism exhibited by the producers and crew, I’m sure they would have no trouble finding work in either the hospitality or food service industry.

Alaskan Bush People lose everything

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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4 Responses to ABP Episode Recap S03:E08 Bush Heart

  1. Melissa says:

    JesusHChristOnTheCross.
    Not the season finale!!
    shit.

    Your graphics are stellar…as are these reviews.
    I shall pray that these idiots do their time and get renewed so that you can continue critiquing The Brownklownz in the manner that they deserve.

    If not..maybe a graphic novel?

  2. Alan says:

    Thanks again for the kind comment. I’m glad there are those that get some enjoyment from my ‘hobby’. Spread the word 🙂

  3. lakerman1 says:

    I have spent the last three seasons of this show watching these idiots just to get angry with them and with the Discovery channel. (my wife is pretty sure I have gone insane. she may be correct.)
    It is difficult for me to select one moment of doom from all of the moments of doom, but it may be the one where ami has a muscle spasm in her neck, which causes the wolf pack to be broken up for a day, and the dumb boys standing around saying they may never see their mom again, but if they do, they will take over all of her duties because she works so hard. In three seasons, I have never seen ami do one goddamned thing, but…
    And as a hunter, I have still not recovered from that stupid scene where the boys pour chicken fat on their rifles. Or where they used their telescopic sights as binoculars. That is so dumb, even gilligan wouldn’t do it.
    I plan to work backwards and read every one of your recaps, and will add comments should you miss anything.
    Thank you for your efforts.

    • Alan says:

      Thank you for the awesome comment. Your story sounds familiar… We started watching the show in season 2 after seeing a season 1 marathon. The more we watched, the more it became abundantly clear that it was all BS. I think my wife got tired of me complaining about the show, but she complains just as loudly 🙂

      For a second I used to think Ami’s act of crying about her kids being away from her for one day was kind of touching… Then I’d remember the boys are in their late 20’s and 30’s and think it might be time for her to get professional help.

      Thanks again for your insight. Please leave more comments!

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