Oh joy of joys! Television’s phoniest, bullshit ‘reality’ TV show is back for another season! Imagine what we as a collective society could do with the ions wasted transmitting this garbage show? I don’t know because I know nothing about ions, other than they transmit radio and TV signals, and unfortunately this program.
Let’s dive right into another episode recap of Alaskan Bullshit People! ParkSlop spends the first few minutes reminding us of what happened previously to our favorite band of vagabond grifters. Thankfully they go beyond that and show some snippets of what’s coming up this season, including the family’s jail time and BullshitBilly’s long lost daughter! More on that later.
The actual episode starts out with the Brownklownz returning to the remote filming location… On an island with small towns and roads… To a cabin built by a Ketchikan construction company… On land leased by Discoverup from a person that actually LIVES in Alaska. Got it so far?
BullshitBilly laments about last seasons illness brought on by the threat of jail time. In good grifter fashion he tries to elicit sympathy hoping it will play favorably for their jail sentencing. Apparently it worked because he and Bum served ‘monitored’ time with an alert bracelet. How bush.
While everyone else goes into the house to start cleaning up, ExtremeBore builds a fire. Mutt explains that his Michelin house needs to be rebuilt, and Bum looks over the minimal damage in his wooden hut.
Cut to DuhVinciNoah’s Tent of Horrors. It looks like it’s been ransacked, but then again it ALWAYS looks that way. With a little bit of work, his tent could look like a piece of shit! They never did show what happened to Kristy’s head in a jar. Wonder if the bear ate that?
Inside the filming location house, the Brownklownz start to go through the plastic tubs of junk they’ve ‘collected’ over the years. I wonder if the bear ate the receipts BullshitBilly was looking for to show he lived in Alaska?
BirdBrain appears on camera sporting a new look from the Linda Belcher Collection.
BirdBrain objects when her father refers to their stuff as ‘trash’. She asks that he refer to it by it’s proper name, “Worthless shit.” Instead of actually cleaning up the mess and sorting through everything, BullshitBilly decides to have a bonfire and burn everything and start over (again). After all, it’s easier to do that then do the actual work of sifting through the garbage. He’s got important naps to take!
The family wants to burn all the bad memories and start fresh. How do you burn seasons of lies, deceipt, and despair? Oh well. ExtremeBore throws a blanket on the fire to which SpotlessAmi says it’s been around for a long time. Wait… I thought they lost everything when the gubmint burned down Billy Karesh’s house, and when the Lorcan sank, and when the bear ate everything?
Hold on to your hats for this next segment. BullshitBilly explains why he and his son are facing felony charges and jail time. He claimed that he didn’t keep receipts to show he lived in Alaska for the required six months. That wasn’t the issue. The gubmint had proof that he was in the lower 48 for most of that year traveling in a broken down RV with his slurred-speech chuds hocking his bullshit book “One Scam At A Time.”
He obviously doesn’t understand it has nothing to do with ‘receipts’ showing he lived in Alaska, but rather the evidence they have that he was in the lower 48 for a long time. But then again I’m not surprised a man in his 60’s that is broke, has nothing of value, and has never been able to provide a decent life for his family but insists they circle the drain of despair and misery along with him doesn’t understand much of anything.
The narrator explains that the Brownklownz believe they are totally innocent, but rather than drag this out for years they decide to take a plea deal where BullshitBilly and Bum will serve 30 days in jail. Wow! What a great example of a man who cares about his family! Too bad he didn’t care that much when he had them falsifying the documents to defraud the state.
After spending 45 seconds on the subject, ParkSlop and Discoverup put the issue to bed. Enough said. Don’t ask questions, just go back to believing this is an honest, wholesome family just trying to live their lives. To my surprise, ParkSlop spends another paltry five seconds on the subject later in the episode.
After the break, Bum heads into town and finds their hauling business partner has a replacement skiff for the Brownklownz.
Wait, wha happened to the old skiff? Bum explains the skiff was banged up, had some holes, can’t be repaired, and needs to be scuttled… Much like BullshitBilly.
DuhVinciNoah’s Tent of Horrors is infested with mold, spiders, and failure, so he has to find another place to live. He decides to move into the chicken coop since the chickens were probably too much work and they don’t plan on having any more around the house. Good thing Hoonah Pizza delivers!
Next, BullshitBilly meets his friend Trapper from Season 1 and complains to him about how the evil gubmint is out to get him and the rest of the Brownklownz. Trapper tells him that going through a fight like that “builds character.” However, any character built is immediately nulled out by the fact you are guilty.
Trapper gives him some more words of wisdom. Cut back to the filming location. SpotlessAmi, BirdBrain, and AcidRain (AKA Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer Schmidt) take a piece of dirty cloth rescued from the bonfire, and place a stick frame around it. What a Hallmark moment.
Next, BullshitBilly, Bum, and Mutt talk about whether or not they want to take the barter offer for the skiff. It involves travelling across the bay and picking up a 4X4 and bringing it back. The problem is that the SS Grifter can’t haul it on deck, so they will have to come up with some kind of towing device.
The clan travels to the bush K-Mart (the dump) and picks up supplies to build something that is sure to fail.
But wait, what’s this! Oh-no’s! It seems DuhVinciNoah has re-injured his leg. Remember how he needs his cane (except when showing of his Tai-Cheesey to Kristy)? Well, wouldn’t you know it, just as the cleanup of Browntown is starting, he re-injures something that wasn’t really injured in the first place apparently. Dangit! Wouldn’t you know it! Seems he took a page from BullshitBilly’s playbook and gets injured just as work is starting. I’m sure, like his father, he will get better when the work is done (by others).
The Brownklown men continue to build their next piece of scuttled material. This drones on for a few minutes as the Brownklownz are against the tide clock to get it built before the tide comes in so they can float it off into the water toward the SS Grifter.
Next we see DuhVinciNoah who builds a knee brace out of… well, a knee brace. Not too much inventin’ goin’ on there, Einstein. But, he carries on like he invented some kind of breakthrough medical device.
Cut back to the Brownklown Boyz (and BirdBrain) as they drag out the last minutes of this segment trying to get the barge built before the tide comes in. I tell you the tension was so thick I was on the edge of my seat! Then I scooted back a little and I was OK.
Next we learn that DuhVinciNoah can’t go with the family on the hauling job because he has a
hired actor for two episodes date. SpotlessAmi is worried because he will be alone with a girl and she might have to stay the night! Get this, DuhVinciNoah says he understands that wile she is in his care he must protect her with his life. SpotlessAmi says something to the effect of, “Well, you need to find someone you desire to be around.” And someone that has suffered head trauma.
This next part was sad… DuhVinciNoah explains that he, “…Only met one person he felt that way about.” What? He dated poor Kristy two times and he decided that she was that special someone? I’m sure Kristy is off doing better things than marrying into a vagabond band of penniless grifters.
In a series of flashbacks, they show Kristy putting up with DuhVinciNoah’s childish antics. The narrator explains that over time they grew apart. In a shining example of what great home-school teachers the Brownklown parents are, the camera catches DuhVinciNoah and his abysmal handwriting. Nothing but the best rock-and-stick chemistry schooling for this clan! MIT recruiters should be calling any minute.
Next the Brownklownz float their barge out to sea and attach it to the SS Grifter. As they head out, Captain Hazelwood goes a little too fast and almost runs the barge under water. In the short scene, Mutt makes potato chips for the trip.
At the close, we are given another sneak peak into this season. One of the more surprising developments (to people that don’t know what this family is REALLY like) is that BullshitBilly’s daughter from his first wife is coming to visit!
It’s well known and documented that BullshitBilly was married before meeting SpotlessAmi and that he had a daughter that for some reason he ignored for her entire life. Hopefully she is coming to demand some of the money he makes from this show to make up for his apparent absence in her life (financially and emotionally). Although if you ask me she got the better end of the deal. She probably didn’t end up like the rest of the damaged Brownklown Kidz.
That’s it for this week. Stay tuned for more action packed episode recaps!