Oh boy! Another week and another bullshit episode of Alaskan Bullshit People!
The episode starts out with the SS Grifter making it’s way to Hoonah to pick up a non-running yet essential 4-wheel drive vehicle. Mutt decides to build a hammock out of a sheet and seems quite pleased with himself when it barely holds his weight.
The narrator and BullshitBilly recap the events of last week so as to set up the sleep inducing events that follow. The Brownklownz need a skiff and they are offered one by their hauling partner (poor guy) in exchange for hauling a broken down SUV from Groundhog Bay to Hoonah.
BullshitBilly makes it sound like this new skiff is all that stands in his way of providing his family a decent life. Never mind his complete and total incompetence at running anything (except into the ground).
Once in Hoonah, the Brownklownz decide they need to replace the towline. Wolverine has a moment of clarity when he realizes his useless brother DuhVinciNoah suffers from the same work avoidance medical condition his father has.
DuhVinciNoah can’t help with this all important, family future on the line, business at stake, blah blah blah job because he injured his ankle. He stays back in order to clean up Browntown for a visit from actress and Miss California contestant Karryna Kauffman.
As the SS Grifter moves slower than BullshitBilly toward Hoonah, SpotlessAmi and AcidRain sit on their asses and play cards below deck. Realizing she doesn’t get as much screen time as the others, AcidRain decides she wants to help out more. SpotlessAmi decides it’s a good idea because it will mean less work that her and BullshitBilly will have to do in the future.
AcidRain takes a cue from her sister, BirdBrain, and gets makeup tips and eye wear from the Linda Belcher collection. She tells us that she can be a real ass-hat. Yes you can, girl. Wait… maybe she said asset but I don’t believe that word is in her vocabulary.
For some reason, AcidRain decides that in order to get ready for work she must first put on lipstick and makeup. She arrives on deck looking like she’s ready for her shift at Dairy Queen and not as a deck hand. They decide to give her the toughest job of all… Whatever that is.
Cut to DuhVinciNoah trying to clean up Browntown enough so it doesn’t elicit a vomiting reaction from his upcoming ‘date’. Remember, his ‘date’ is an actress and Miss California contestant, making the believability that she randomly ran into this puffy shirt, top-hat wearing pompous ass in Seattle and they hit it off even more unbelievable. Most likely she was hit with a Louisville slugger, slammed into the trunk of a ParkSlop intern’s car, and told she would only be released if she stroked the enormous ego of a barely functioning simpleton.
Oh-No’s! TheBrownklown’z hatchet broke. To fix it, DuhVinciNoah welds the axe head to a monkey wrench, thus rendering the monkey wrench useless. The hatchet is also useless because the wrench handle weight makes it unwieldy.
He decides to call it Dumbass-kiss. Sounds appropriate.
The rest of the Brownklownz arrive at Groundhog Bay to pick up the vehicle they are to transport to Hoonah. In another shining example of bullshit-backstory and gross incompetence on the part of ParkSlop, Todd and his daughter Natalie step all over their scripted lines as they try and explain why they need the vehicle transported to Hoonah. Personally I think he wanted the Brownklownz to haul it knowing they would most likely scuttle it and he could collect the insurance, but let’s see what his reasons are first.
Todd claims they used the beat-up 4X4 to build their summer place on Groundhog Bay, and now he needs it in Hoonah to use it for his business there.
Todd then explains that much like BullshitBilly, the winch hasn’t worked in years. He also states that it hasn’t run in 3 years! So… how did you use it to build your just finished summer home and how are you going to use it for your ‘business’ in Hoonah? Oh right, it’s all bullshit.
BullshitBilly and Bum walk back to shore to explain to the rest of the brain-trust just how much work it’s going to be to get this vehicle loaded onto their makeshift barge. BullshitBilly is worried that there is work to be done and he’s stuck on shore with no convenient excuse to leave!
But wait… What’s this? SpotlessAmi’s Munchhausen shoulder injury has returned! I guess she thought one of the kids had thoughts of leaving them briefly so she had to have a flair up to guarantee they stay. A guilt-ridden Wolverine runs to her side, comforting her by saying he will never dare leave and will do whatever work needs to get done in order for her shoulder to fell better.
What absolutely horrible, reprehensible parents. They keep their kids out of school ensuring they grow up dumb and reliant on them for comfort and safety, while conveniently suffering from non-descript ‘injuries’ and ‘conditions’ that no doctor can diagnose so that their uneducated, dull-witted offspring stick around out of guilt so they can continue to do all the work and provide for these two space-wasting chuds. Horrible, horrible people.
This does work out to BullshitBilly’s advantage. He explains to the kids that since SpotlessAmi isn’t able to work, he can’t work either. For some reason BullshitBilly must sit on his ass by her side and not move an inch while staring at her. Why?
Cut to the poor kids having to load the broken down SUV by themselves. Poor BullshitBilly. He laments the fact that he’s not able to work with the kids and what a great sacrifice he is making by staying by SpotlessAmi’s side… For some reason.
ExtremeBore embarrasses himself in front of Natalie by explaining his extreme workout routine while they haul a piece of wood. Sadly, it’s the ONLY wood he’s ever going to get from Natalie.
DuhVinciNoah is spending his time at the filming location making lead rounds for his black powder pistol. He wants to show off his guns and have her shoot them so that whenever she shoots a black powder gun in the future, she will think of him. Good Lord.
Back at Groundhog Bay, the family decides to let AcidRain stear and drive the vehicle to the barge. ParkSlop does it’s best to convince us that her role is important and full of danger as they play mood enhancing music of impending doom. The rest of the Brownklown Kidz help get the vehicle loaded without any incident whatsoever. Yawn.
Once back at the SS Grifter, BullshitBilly has a hundred questions about the barge and the vehicle. For some reason, he can’t leave SpotlessAmi’s side for 30 seconds, walk 10 feet out on deck, and check things out for himself! Is SpotlessAmi really that helpless with her Munchhausen’s shoulder that it requires you to sit next to her 24/7 and stare at her? Unbelievable.
Back at the filming location, DuhVinciNoah meets the girl hired by ParkSlop to make a guest appearance in between filming movies and appearing in beauty pageants. She asks what’s wrong with his leg, to which he replies, “…There was work to be done.”
She thinks that DuhVinciNoah is very interesting. I’m sure she means it in a weird, odd, way. ParkSlop then inserts scenes of him embarrassing himself around Kristy doing his Tai-Cheesey.
He takes her to the range where they shoot the black powder rifles. I wonder how long it took her to decide to shoot the target and not herself after realizing she was on an island with a creepy Hot-Topic shift supervisor.
Cut back to the SS Grifter. For the next ten minutes we are told repeatedly that our lovable band of vagabond grifters most likely won’t get to Hoonah before nightfall. Bum decides to go faster, which draws the ire of the rest of his kin, and they waste no time telling him how he’s going to sink the barge. Again, I think Todd wanted these idiots to haul his Suzuki Samurai so it would end up at the bottom of the bay and he could collect the insurance.
Bum pulls back the curtain to fill BullshitBilly in on the situation. Again, why can’t he leave her side for 10 seconds and go out front and see for himself! What an asshole.
Mutt and Bum get into a spat because Mutt is the oldest but his smug brother never listens to his suggestions. Wolverine acts moderator and smooths things out.
Cut back to DuhVinciNoah and his date with the actress. In a completely embarrassing bit of sadness, DuhVinciNoah plays a song he wrote about his breakup with Kristy. Dude… Let go already. It wasn’t even close to being a romantic connection. Still, he plunks on some keys and churns out a woeful tome of lover’s lament.
Before leaving, he wants to give her a gift. He gives her a vial of his seed… Well, seeds from the island. This way when she gets home she can plant them and in 20 years have a tree strong enough for her to hang herself from whenever she thinks of DuhVinciNoah. Before she leaves, DuhVinciNoah points out a pod of porpoises.
I don’t think the date went too well judging by his closing comments.
Back to the SS Grifter. Once in port, BullshitBilly STILL insists on sitting right next to SpotlessAmi, not moving an inch, and staring at her. This means the kids, as usual, have to do all the work, as usual, to support their parents, as usual.
Once off the barge, the Kidz must push it up the ramp. But, the car is too heavy. ExtremeBore runs up to find a kind hearted local ready to help out this band of misfits that never seem to help anyone else out in return. And wouldn’t you know it! Along comes a truck driven by what I’m assuming is yet another “Can I be On TV” Skaflestad. Hoonah dump Kenny is related to the Mayor who seems to think the TV show is about his family as well.
The truck pulls the SUV up the ramp with AcidRain steering. The group congratulates her on a great job of steering! It’s nothing she’ll use in real life, after all she’s thirteen which means in two years she can marry a 26 year old grifter and never see her family again, just like her mother!
In another shining example of great homeschooling, ExtremeBore leaves a barely legible note for Natalie on the windshield.
The family meets back at the filming location and begins grilling DuhVinciNoah about his terrible date. He refuses to go into detail, so the Brownklownz turn their attention to saying goodbye to the skiff.
In true Brownklown fashion, they gather at the skiff to say goodbye. DuhVinciNoah blows on his horn. The skiff is loaded with hay and lit on fire. I wonder if they realize the boat is aluminum and won’t burn up with the hay? What am I saying, of course they don’t realize it, they’re stupid!
In the previews for next week it looks like they install a bathtub upstairs so BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi can try and wash away the despair and misery that coats them, and Mutt builds another bush hot tub using the skiff! Guess it didn’t burn after all. Stay tuned next week for another hour of dull-witted chuds we call Alaskan Bullshit People.