Here we are again. Can you believe it? This episode was a little disappointing. Not in a story / plot kind of way but more in a ‘not much to make fun of’ way. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but ParkSlop has begun dragging out the most turgid and boring pedestrian accomplishments of these idiots to the point where what used to be shown in one episode is drawn out over a half dozen.
Anyhoo, let’s get down to business with this week’s episode recap of America’s phoniest of phony “reality” shows, Alaskan Bullshit People!
In the opening segment, the Brownklown Kidz are shown doing work for their parents in order to make the parents’ life more comfortable while putting their own dreams and aspirations on hold. They haul a bathtub up to the filming location and while doing so, we are treated to several cut-away shots of them telling us how great it would be for SpotlessAmi and BullshitBilly to actually BATHE.
Many camera-whore Brownklownz ham it up for the camera as they try and get the bathtub to the second floor. Why didn’t DuhVinciNoah invent something to get it up there? Oh well, he was probably meditating anyway.
Bum explains that, “This tub weighs about 300 pounds and it takes all four of us to move it.” It took me a bit to realize he wasn’t talking about BullshitBilly.
As several Brownklownz precariously hang close to the edge of the second floor ‘balcony’, SpotlessAmi shows her concern by insisting they not chip the porcelain!
At first it wouldn’t budge, but using Wolverine’s Atomantium strength they soon get the tub to the top and in to place. One thing I couldn’t stop staring at was SpotlessAmi’s wonderfully clean and sparkly ensemble. It looked fresh off the rack from Hoonah WalMart. Yep, these bush people wash their clothes in cold creek water and bang out the dirt with rocks, by-golly.
Next, the narrator tells us that Browntown has been empty for three months and there is plenty of work to be done (by someone else, I’m assuming). We are told that they need to, “…Turn this homestead into a home.”
Homestead, eh? Hmmmm, homestead… Let me look that up… According to alaskacenters.gov, “The last Homestead to be awarded under the provisions of the Homestead Act was in 1988.” OK, that blows that ‘fact’ out of the water. And secondly, how can you ‘homestead’ land that is leased from the actual land owner? Ah, I got it written down here somewhere… Oh, apparently it’s all bullshit. Sorry I forgot.
Prepare yourself for this next part. After finishing his bush Hot-Topic, DuhVinciNoah decides that the next thing that Browntown needs is a useless, moronic experiment involving moss and electricity. Really? How hard did the ParkSlop crew have to hold back their laughter as this barely functioning simpleton explains his ‘experiment’? Maybe not, I think the people that make this show are just as delusional as the Brownklownz and actually believe their own bullshit.
So, he wants to see what happens when you put an electrical current through moss. Why? What the &#@% for? Is that really the most pressing thing on your list? For the hundredth time, ParkSlop, PLEASE stop trying to portray this ass-hat as some kind of ‘genius’! On behalf of every person with a brain cell, please stop!
Let’s switch to Mutt, the oldest. Surely he’s responsible enough to work on the high priority items Browntown needs in order to function and eventually flourish, right? Wrong. He decides he’s going to use the old skiff and make a hot-tub. Yeah, that’s all that Browntown needs. He mentions “tongue and groove” siding. Does he even know what that means? He nailed some panks on top of tree stumps. I guess that’s bush “tongue and groove” siding.
BullshitBilly laments the early days of Brownklownery to set up additional flashback footage later in the show.
Wait. What’s this? Oh-No’s! The Brownklown generator went out! How can that be? Did DuhVinciNoah’s bike powered generator from last season really not work out? That seemed like such a rock-solid solution from a certified bush genius! Evil generator corporations must have conspired to run his invention out of town, leaving our poor, hapless victims dependent on evil big-city modern conveniences like generators!
The family huddles around a group of candles on the kitchen table and talk about the fact their parents can’t even provide the simplest of accommodations or conveniences for their children, despite having over 30 years to achieve that goal.
Next we see that Browntown is still in shambles and looks like shit. There’s lots of work to be done, but BullshitBilly will have none of that! He states that the family is doing too much work and not enough living. I don’t think ParkSlop got the full statement. I’m sure what he meant was, “We’re doing too much work and not enough living… Off PFD funds, welfare, gullible TV viewer donations, and grifting!”
With the threat of work needing to be done, the next morning BullshitBilly gathers the family around the campfire and tells them that they need to spend more time together. Wait… For over thirty years every one of your Kidz has had to stay by your side 24 hours a day and provide for you, but you think they need more ‘Family Time’? What they need is some ‘alone’ time so they can see how you’ve kept them uneducated, sheltered, and dependent on two selfish parents!
ParkSlop apparently hired ‘Bruce’ to act like BullshitBilly’s ‘friend’ that they somehow forgot promising they would haul water storage tanks for. Suddenly, it’s plot-fodder as the Brownklownz head out to sea.
Ions are wasted showing the Brownklown kidz making a boom-swing. AcidRain has a Captain Kirk moment when her brothers push her really high. It’s a Captain Kirk moment because she Shatn’er pants. God, I’m really having to reach this episode. Sorry.
Cut to below deck where once again ParkSlop tries to convince us these people are really ‘bush’. SpotlessAmi and BirdBrain are using Mr. Cupcake’s fur to make thread for… Get this… CLOTHING! I shit you not! They actually want you to think they wear clothes made from dog fur… You know, like they’ve done their whole life. Unfuckingbelievable. At this rate, SpotlessAmi will have her own show on HSN or QVC hocking her other bush lifestyle items like the hangers she made last season, or the ‘Shroud of Urine’ she made a stick frame for, or her bush cake recipes.
SpotlessAmi say’s she’s going to make a sweater out of it. Yeah, I’m sure we’ll see that in a future episode 😉
The family arrives in Excursion Inlet where some actual bush people live. As usual, Captain Hazelwood has trouble docking the boat. He blames the tide, the small dock, the winds… Everything except himself and his incompetence.
BullshitBilly, SpotlessAmi, and Mutt leave the other Brownklownz on the SS Grifter and go into town.
Lucky for the Brownklownz, on Wednesday Bruce and Debbie cook pizza for the people that live there when they come to get their mail. BullshitBilly talks with real Alaskans and claims they are just like them. So, I guess they also live in Hoonah / Seattle and film a TV show on leased land in a cabin built by a Ketchikan construction company too? Huh, small world.
Anyhoo, after eating half the pizza meant for the locals, The Brownklownz set out to move the empty water storage tanks. Back on the SS Grifter, Wolverine discovers an oil leak that affects the anchor. When they think it’s fixed, DuhVinciNoah takes over dear old dad’s duty of holding the steering wheel and yelling out commands.
The Brownklownz move the SS Grifter to the dock where Mutt commandeers a forklift to get the empty water tanks to the top of their boat.
BullshitBilly maneuvers the SS Grifter at the main dock, only to be told by Bruce that he’s at the wrong spot. I wonder if Bruce realized what kind of idiot he hired to do this hauling job?
After docking, everyone wonders where Mutt is at. Cut to him driving the forklift in the most unsafe, reckless manner imaginable while hauling two empty water containers. Two of them spill off. Mutt solves the problem by removing his belt to tie them together so they don’t fall off. Problem is, his solution has unforeseen consequences. But, it’s a victory for bare-assed Mutt.
Bruce is paid a hefty sum to look into the camera and try to convince us that his ‘friends’ are ‘bush people’.
Next, one of BirdBrain’s cats gets stuck between the walls of the boat. who the hell brings a cat on board a boat? AcidRain gets her 3 minutes of screen time by rescuing the cat.
As they approach the filming location, the narrator tells us that the Kidz have to bring the boat in by themselves while BullshitBilly is ‘resting’ with SpotlessAmi below. I REALLY don’t want to think about what two wrinkly old hippies are doing downstairs during ‘resting’ time.
On a side-note… There’s plenty of selfish behavior displayed by the ‘parents’, but isn’t it really selfish to rub it in your 20-something kids’ faces that you’re the only one getting laid? Remember those stories from the first couple of seasons where the Parents of the Year talked about sneaking off into the bush for some ‘alone’ time knowing the kids could ‘hear’ them? Unnngghhh. Those poor boys are in their prime and there’s no chance of them ever releasing that pent up energy except for… you know. I’ll bet collectively the Brownklown Boyz spill more cream than Michael J. Fox making coffee! But I digress.
As the Boyz try and connect the boat to the anchor buoy, Mutt falls into the water.
In the short segment, SpotlessAmi decides she’s going to sit next to someone while they do work. She accompanies Debbie while she runs a grader over the runway surface. SpotlessAmi says they, “…Have a lot in common.” Except that Debbie actually lives in the bush and WORKS to do something that will benefit others and not just herself.
Back to the uneventful last five minutes of the show where the only excitement is watching Wolverine rip the door off the SS Grifter.
They dump all of the empty water storage bins into the water and then tow them to shore.
Next we see the progress on the bush hot-tub Mutt started earlier in the episode. Mutt, who is slowly starting to look like Sideshow Bob, sits in the hot-tub chewing his cud while brother Wolverine pours hot water over him. Uunnngghhh.
The preview tells us that BullshitBilly’s not-so-important family-is-so-important-to-me daughter is coming for a visit. Let’s see how ParkSlop slants this story! Stay tuned next week for another bullshit packed episode of Alaskan Bullshit People!