ABP Episode Recap S06:E01 All That Matters

Alaskan Bush People like Gilligan's Island

We’re back! Another season of Alaskan Bullshit People is here which means that another season of Railing Kill’s episode recaps are on tap. Let’s dive right in shall we?

The episode, and this season, start right off with the bullshit. The narrator tells us that the family has in fact been living in the bush for the last thirty-plus years. Do we have to review the evidence to the contrary?

They make a veiled attempt to ‘come clean’ in stating that this year is the year the family REALLY commits to the bush, as opposed to half-assing it for 2 months in the Alaskan summer like they’ve been doing since this shitshow started.

Oh shit, I forgot to close my eyes before they showed that short clip of DuhVinciNoah kissing Rhainn “It’s a MAN, baby!” Merril.

Let’s see if ParkSlop changed the intro to the show… Yep, now they claim, “Far from civilization, deep in the Alaskan bush, lives a family of 9 removed from mainstream America…” What a crock of shit. I guess living removed from mainstream America means they still lived in towns, made YouTube videos for BullshitBilly’s book “One Scam At A Time,” had Facebook pages, and a website. Wow, sounds like they were REALLY off the grid, eh?

In the opening scene we see Wolverine getting a haircut from BullshitBilly. Wolverine tells us that this has been a long standing family tradition for as long as he can remember. The poor dumb bastard probbly can’t remember what cereal he ate for breakfast yet he’s telling us of this tradition where lazy BullshitBilly has cut ALL of their hair for years? Gee, first we’re hearing about it. Sounds like more bullshit they just made up on the fly to fill an episode.

BullshitBilly explains that, “Of course I cut their hair. There ain’t no barbers out here!” What about in Seattle, New York, Cali… Y’know what, I’m not going to point this out again. If you don’t get the bullshit by now there’s no hope for you.

Wolverine explains he likes his hair cut in a punk, Elvis, trucker hairstyle. BullshitBilly acts like he’s skilled at this and and it’s just an everyday occurrence. He cuts a few scraps, but didn’t cut far enough in my opinion. So after 5 seasons this revelation is just now coming out? Sounds like scripted BS.

Next, we see Scami working in her bullshit garden. What about all that crap last season with the tarps and Mutt’s ingenious watering system? None of that is to be seen. It was probably scrapped because it was a complete and total failure. Scami explains how food is grown! Wow, who knew that seeds planted in the ground in sunlight and watered would GROW? No wonder her kid’s have college recruiters knockin’ down the door to sign them up! It’s all because of Scami’s great homeschool knowledge. Seeds that grow… What next? Maybe she’ll teach us where rain comes from! BullshitBilly complains that they are in for one rough winter. Good thing they won’t be anywhere close to Browntown. I wonder how fierce the winter’s are in Colorado or New Mexico.

Alaskan Bullshit People S02E14 Home SkoolBullshitBilly tells what a great job Scami has done by homeschooling the chuds. The evidence is clear in every episode that she has educated them to a level of “frickin’ moron“! BirdBrain explains that being homeschooled by two high school dropouts was really great! She then sticks her iPhone up her ass thinking that was how you make a ‘booty call’.

Shit, I’m only five minutes into this episode and I’m already feeling whoozy.

Now for the next bit of fun… We get to see the Brownklownz try and convince us that they know nothing of modern civilization by answering common-knowledge questions. BirdBrain is up first. She is asked if she knows who won the World Series last year.

ExtremeBore then embarrasses himself and shows why he is the envy of every 7-year old boy. He thinks ‘Golden State Warriors’ is something you do by dressing up in gold and fighting with swords. Sorry, Ek-shtreem swords!

BirdBrain only recently found out who Rhianna is. I guess her iPhone playlist doesn’t include music?

Next we see flashbacks of Mutt telling his family he’s a drunk. I think they cut out the part where he blames his heavy drinking on his overbearing parents and their relentless pursuit to have their kids provide for them.

Mutt returns to the filming location, but he didn’t stay long as he was spotted arriving in New York for New Year’s Eve while the rest of the family was in Colorado… I mean in the bush.

BullshitBilly and Wolverine go out and hunt for crab. BullshitBilly stands at the back of the boat with his hands in his pockets while his son does all the heavy lifting as usual.

He tells us that the more they catch they less they’ll have to worry about surviving the winter. Never fear, I’m sure there’s great room service at your Colorado Ski Resort!

BullshitBilly calls them all together for a meeting around the campfire filming location. He wants to get back to the simple things… like only filming 6 weeks out the year instead of 8, minimizing the time they have to pretend they live in the bush.

He informs his chuds that he has some connections and was able to buy a MILK COW! F$@%&ing LIAR! It’s a dried up rented cow you grifting manatee!

Anyway, I digress. Bum is worried about how they are going to get it back to the filming location. Mutt surprises them by saying he wants to go off hunting by himself. This way he has an alibi when the rest of the family fucks up the hauling job.

Mutt packs his bag, including gasoline. He claims it’s for bears. He’s also going to eat fish and use a tarp to keep dry in the rain! Wow, a tarp for rain? What a true bushman! That’s the kind of deep, insightful bush knowledge you’ll only get from this show!

ExtremeBore and Wolverine talk about how nice it is that they are going to have a cow, despite the fact they already have BullshitBilly (ba-dum-tish). They can’t wait to taste the milk. In the meantime, just keep getting your milk the way you always do… From Kroger’s.

Wait, weren’t they shooting a bunch of one gallon milk containers last season or so? If milk is so great, why do they use it as target practice?

Hold on, Wolverine hears a bear! They track it with a pistol. Nothing to worry about, after all, Wolverine is a firearm expert. ExtremeBore is worried that the bear might be able to smell them. Judging by the amount of dirt that is constantly surrounding him, I think people in Seattle can smell him from there.

Scami tells Mutt she is worried that he won’t come home without a grandbaby… or deer. She’s afraid for her 30-something plus ‘man’ going hunting alone… with a camera crew following him. Someone please get Scami some meds. She sounds more and more unhinged with each episode.

Cut to the rest of the chuds making a cow enclosure so they can get the cow they rented for a few weeks of filming back to the filming location before the lease is up. AcidRain stands around counting the hours until they get off this God-forsaken island and back in cell phone range so she can get on with things she REALLY enjoys.

The narrator again tells a bullshit tale about how isolated the Brownklownz are living on Chichagof Island, where he states there are no roads or bridges. Really? What’s with all the tire tracks around Browntown? He also claims they are hours away from any town. Again, total bullshit. The island itself has a couple of small towns that are accessible by road. Why, oh WHY, ParkSlop, do you continue to insult everyone’s intelligence with this bullshit narrative?

Cut to the SS Grifter, which looks like it got a paint job. We see the completed wooden structure being towed off to get the latest cow to join Browntown.

Alaskan Bush People like Gilligan's IslandHere it comes, the part of the episode where ParkSlop and the Brownklownz try and convince us the one-foot waves and mildly inclement weather might have any affect on them reaching their destination safely.

Wolverine and DuhVinciNoah stay behind to build a corral. They cut wood and again Wolverine does all the heavy lifting.

Cut to Mutt who is ‘hunting a deer’. Unlike his father, Mutt claims that he will be successful. He scans the horizon with his scope in hopes of finding the deer left there to imply he actually bagged one.

Uh-oh! Looks like the SS Grifter is in some ‘rough’ seas. The seasoned boat captain is amazed at how quickly the weather changed.

I’m sorry, but every time I see them acting like they’re really in trouble I’m reminded of those other bush people that were stranded on an island when their boat was damaged in a huge storm. Y’know, Gilligan’s Island.

Back to Mutt. He see’s deer tracks and scat, but no deer. Typical.

Alaskan Bush People Ami makes a candle from mayonnaise and blue jeans Scami and Wolverine are alone at the filming location. Scami pulls another ‘bush craft’ project out of her ass. This time we’re supposed to believe she makes her own candles. Good Lord. Wolverine is in awe of his mommy who makes candles out of mayonnaise grease. She clumsily strains the grease from a bush jar of mayo. She uses an old pair of BullshitBilly’s jeans to make a wick. It looks like she cut a strip from the inseam, meaning the candle will have that fresh “Back Of  Billy’s Sack” scent. She blah blah blah’s about how this bullshit stands for hope and keeps the lights on while her narcissistic husband is off on another selfish adventure (read his book).

Back to Mutt who is setting up camp. Then back to the SS Grifter moored up in safe harbor to weather the storm. I tell ya the action is so intense I’m on the edge of my seat! Maybe if I scoot back a little. Ah, there. Much better.

Wolverine and Scami awake to find that his filming location set home had a bunch of trees fall on it and smash it, actually doing about $10,000 in improvements.

Wait, DuhVinciNoah shows up! Where the hell was he during the candle making party?

They attempt to pull the house out from under the trees. It fails (as usual) and the side of the ‘house’ comes off.

Once in Hoonah, BullshitBilly explains that he is going to stay on the boat while his kids do the work of getting the cow. Big surprise. BirdBrain can’t believe they own a cow! Except they don’t own it, but good effort trying to convince us.

BullshitBilly explains that having a cow is the beginning of them living truly on their own, of being independent which is what living in Seattle… Sorry, the bush, is all about. It’s all bullshit because as we’ve said several times, the cow was only rented as a prop for this shitshow.

He also says living in the bush is a hard life but a simple life?!?! Which is it?

Back to Mutt. He’s still wasting time tracking a deer he’ll never get unless a friendly Skaflestad leaves one for him.

Meanwhile, Wolverine and DuhVinciNoah try to pull his house out from under the tree. DuhVinciNoah suggests a cannon would be a good way to get the house out from under there. WTF? The narrator bullshit’s us with some story about how he acquired the cannon after doing some hauling job that just so happened wasn’t on camera during their filming season. What are the odds? And who the hell thought it was a good idea to give a moron a cannon? Seems like the cannon was just another prop ParkSlop purchased for B-Roll fodder according to one post.

I’m not sure if it’s the same tree, but there’s a log next to his house that looks clean-cut. No exposed roots or anything, yet this might be the tree that fell over in high winds. Not sure.

Back again to Mutt who runs haplessly after a deer. Unless you live in the bush, you’d never know that the best way to hunt them is to run after them! The bush skills exhibited on this show are spot on!

Finally, the Brownklownz deliver the non-milk producing rented cow to the filming location.

BTW, what are they going to feed the cow? They consume a shitload of hay, yet no mention was made of how they are going to feed it. No matter, it only has to last a couple of weeks until the rental agreement is done.

Next the Brownklownz help Wolverine finish destroying his house, after which they just leave it there to litter the landscape. I’m sure the guy they rent the land from will be really pleased.

Next week’s episode promises to be even more bullshit-filled, based on the previews. Let’s hope so!

UPDATE: Did you notice how many more construction crew members there are? I guess we know how that cow cage and corral got built! Also, there are now TWO boat captains in the credits. The maximum number of Skaflestad’s allowed by law are also present.

Alaskan Bush People end credits

NOTE: Espisode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

13 thoughts on “ABP Episode Recap S06:E01 All That Matters

  1. Beavis, well done.
    Please allow me to add a few points of darkness to the episode.
    First, just about nothing happened. It is Seinfeld without the humor.
    The mayonaise oil candle was ss dumb as usual, with do nothing Ani. The tree was most likey cut by the crew to fall on the slime shack. And instead of trimming off the part that was on the shank, they blew it up. WTF?
    Note that Matt made it 10 miles on his deer hunt, then 10 more. and he broke a cardinal rule of hunting with a scoped rifle. You do not use the scope as a monocular – you use binoculars. Think about why that is. Ana you don’t run after a deer, you nimrod.
    The boat trip to pick up the rented cow was even sillier than usual. I fish on Lake Erie in conditions viewed by the coast guard as normal – 1-3 foot waves equals normal. There was not one reason ro park in that cove to ‘wait out the storm’ because there was no storm.
    Birsbrain’s fake accent has gotten even more fake. She soon will be unintelligible as well as unintelligent.
    Mrs. Lakerman, watching a few minutes of the show last night, turned to me, and said, “there is something wrong with a person who would watch this.” Mrs. Lakerman is correct.
    Yet I look forward to see the next episode, and the life changing event that will affect the Browns forever. Ana I will wonder how Matt will, if he ‘catches’ a deer, gets it the 20 miles home.

  2. Awesome recap notes Lakerman! I totally missed the ten mile thing. I personally think they will do what they did a couple seasons ago when they went hunting and that is to show some Zapruder-like out-of-focus, short, random shots then insert the sound of a rifle shot, then cut to an already killed deer placed for filming.

    Thanks for reading!

  3. I feel no need to watch the shows, I just come here for the reviews…I’m still laughing at the captioned pics!!!!

  4. As usual spot on !!! Love the accompanying photos you add to the recap…

    I noticed the radio call between the two other boaters on the high seas and how Ole Bill started really noticing the weather after that… Why no weather warnings on the radio from an official source ???

    The insane ‘Are we gonna make it ?’ routine from Ole Bill is getting mighty old….

    1. Thanks for the kind words. I was waiting to hear about “Family future is on the line” “Hauling business depends on this” BS.

    2. It’s like this show shares no audience with Deadliest Catch and watches/listens how real captains get weather alerts.

  5. Great site enjoyed your comments! Pure bs most of the time and some of the American public really believes this series is spot on! Sad

  6. How does one get to be on this great true life program? I’m not married and have a passion for girls with bad teeth! And love the true to life ideas of living in a well built tire home! Please answer a concern d old batchlor.

  7. Two more weeks and the return of the Brown family will be back for more true to life adventures in the outbacks of Alaska! Yahoo!

  8. Watched a rerun of my favorite family the Browns and it was just fun and enjoyable to see how that family works together. Last night they attempted to put up there power source (wind generator) so cool to watch the two young men work together like a well oiled machine! But the in the end it as all for not as there wonderfully constructed town fell down! What a shame all that work for nothing!?????

  9. Tonight is finally here for us true blue Brown family fans. This event has me on the edge of my seat knowing that they may never be able to complete there mission impossible because of ratting or family problems?. I truly wanted to see them finish up what hey started but alas this is not be. Sad but every dog has it Day and dog is done!

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