Released: September 24, 1993
Run Time: 89 minutes
Genre: Action, Thriller
Production: Monarch Productions
John De Hart as Rick Bode
William Smith as Normad
Wings Hauser as Huck Finney
Pamela Jean Bryant as Cindy
Elaine Young as Lainie
Al Sapienza as Ramirez
Lisa Boyle as Alex (as Cassandrea Leigh)
Jimmy Williams as Scar
Twila Wolfe as Claudia
Mark Hoadley as Cop #2 (as Mark A. Hoadley)
John De Hart - Director
John De Hart - Producer
Eric J. Swanson - Cinematography
Maral Djerejian - Production Design
James Paradise - Director
John De Hart - Writer
Rebecca Warren - Associate Producer
Jimmy Williams - Associate Producer
Nona Yepremyan - Art Direction
Glen Shapiro - Production Manager
Synapsis: The Corruption of The System is given a swift lopsided kick by Vigilante Justice as a Disgraced Former Cop emerges from exile, automatic weapons blazing and mediocre martial arts akimbo, to bring down a murderous satanic cult headed by his former partner. His only allies? A boatload of swagger and one leggy blonde.
Beavis’s Movie Memories
Road To Revenge (also known as GETEVEN and Champagne and Bullets but should have been titled Mid-Life Crisis) is a 1993 movie that was written, directed, financed, and starring John De Hart, Wings Hauser, and Pamela Bryant (A Playboy model who sadly left us in 2010) . It follows a long tradition of films made by people whose friends told them, “Nobody can make a worse movie than Ed Wood.” To which they reply, “Hold my beer!”
The movie opens with LAPD Captain Normad, Huck (Wings Hauser), and Rick (John De Hart) taking down a trailer of cocaine snorting hooligans. The gang comes out shooting and the trio of cops return fire. Uh-Oh’s Wings is shot in the… Well, WING!
Rick is not impressed and yells at the Captain because he does not seemed at all concerned that Wings got clipped. He pushes the Captain down to the ground, to which the Captain tells him, “You just made a BIG mistake.” Hmmm, this might be a plot point addressed later.
Cut to mid-life crisis caught on camera number one, Karate! Sorry, Kung Foo. His exhibition lasts longer than needed as he slightly makes contact with a large hanging hot dog. No wait, it’s a punching bag apparently.
Next we see some kind of hearing where Captain Norbad accuses Huck and Rick of being drug dealers in cahoots with the gang they just took down. I guess the Captain wasn’t kidding when he said it was a big mistake!
Wings Hauser chews up more scenery than Michael Moore chews up buffets. The Captain continues telling, in great detail, how Huck and Rick snort cocaine by placing straws in their left nostril. This enrages Huck and as he moves to beat up the Captain at the table beside them , he hits two cops who try and restrain him. Words are exchanged and Huck is led out of the room.
Cut to what must be a length of time later and mid-life crisis number TWO, crossbows! Rick is wearing a tracksuit-ey looking garment with USA emblazoned on the back. Was he an Olympic archer? We’ll never know because they never show him shooting an arrow (yet). Huck is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts and is not impressed with an arrow. He goes to his van, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the target. After awkwardly handing Huck a beer, Huck asks where Rick is working that night. So… Apparently he got kicked off the force or something like that. Rick states he’s working as a limo driver and taking kids to the prom. Cut to the driving scene where the kids treat him like garbage but it’s OK, he’s their number employee! That is until he leaves the kids stranded on the side of the road.
Back at home, Huck and Rick apparently moved in together. As Rick walks through the door we see Huck ironing pants in his underwear. The two banter for a moment then decide to go dancing. This brings us to mid-life crisis number THREE, singing! Most of the songs in the movie are done by John himself, but this next part is gratingly unwatchable.
Rick meets his old girlfriend Cindy in the bar and asks why she left. Probably because she realized she was dating a man old enough to be her dad! Anyhoo, the band strikes up a plinky back-beat and Rick’s friends convince him to get up there and sing. They BEG Rick to sing and he agrees. Pause reading this review for a moment and watch the video below.
There you have it folks, the Shimmy Slide! John said in an interview that his back was injured when they filmed the music video which explains the spasm-ey dancing back and forth. His singing is so bad I started looking for a Phillips-head screwdriver to jam into my eardrums. Oh, and good luck getting those lyrics outta your head!
Well, your on fire when I grab you by the hand
your waist still moving with the rhythm of the band
My eyes swell up as you take me for a ride
C’mon pretty baby lets do the shimmy slide!
In an interview with Bristol Bad Film Club, John stated that, “My voice comes from five years of church choir and I can sing – my voice covers about three octaves. I can bang out a song.” Uh… O-Kaaaaaaaaay.
During the song Cindy is accosted by some new arrivals into the bar. Apparently they know her and are mad because she ‘left’ them?! This broad seems to leave a lot of people, but somehow couldn’t leave the casting call for this abomination.
After the song, the band disappears and the music continues while some lady goes on stage and removes her top. O-Kayyyyyy. I guess John hired a stripper and damn if he wasn’t going to use her in the movie! Wait… is this supposed to be a strip club? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the derailed plot and I’m sure gonna watch it, but if you look close she’s got boss-eyed nipples. One points down and out, the other points up (not that I was paying attention). A couple of women in the audience are uncomfortable and one calls the police. Not to complain about the nudity but about John De Hart’s singing.
Cut to the ‘gang’ that Cindy used to be a member of. They see her with Rick and decide to “Fuck him up.” They tell Rick to get out of the way but he of course gives them a generous helping of what for! Huck is arrested and needs to be bailed out by Rick. By the way, his nickname is ‘Huck’ because his last name is ‘Finney’. Get it… As in Huck Finn? Screw it no one gives a shit lets move on.
Rick is at the police station with some older woman now. She was at the bar but not sure of her relation to them or the group. She has the paperwork needed to get him out so is she his lawyer, or???
Now cut to Rick and Cindy eating in a Mexican restaurant. The mic is way too close to Rick’s mouth because his chip chewing is louder than the dialog. Rick tells a joke to the waiter, who apparently recognizes Rick from previous visits and knows to ask for a joke. The waiter gets not one joke, but TWO!
“Hello my name is Tanya, and I’ve got this camera!” These are the poetic musings some lady sings as she approaches their table and asks if they want a photo. Who can say no? More uncomfortable dialog continues as Rick talks to his daughter… Sorry, GIRLFRIEND!
Now cut to them sitting on a bench outside. Cindy is REALLY going out of her way to show us what’s under her skirt. She squirms around and explains that after she left him she got mixed up with people that did drugs. She tells a tale of how when she was in this group, they attended a Satanic ritual headed by, guess who, Captain Normad! What a twist. She was to be sacrificed to Satan. No wait, they just tied her up to a pole and made her watch while they sacrificed a baby. WTF?
She tells Rick she’s scared that they’ll continue coming after her. He tells her everything will be just fine. I get the feeling it’s not. She asks if he’s having any luck with his acting career. He says he’s been on some auditions but only managed a role in some shitfest starring himself that I’m watching right now.
Get the vomit bags ready for the next part… Mid-life crisis number FOUR, having a MUCH younger girlfriend! Cut to Rick and Cindy getting all sexy. There’s a horrible sound in the background. Wait a second, it’s another John De Hart song (Thunderdown?)! It’s a duet with Cindy and sounds like a garbage truck compacting old musical instruments. It’s uncomfortable watching these two act like they are really a thing. I mean, c’mon, seeing a creepy old man having sex with someone so young she could be his daughter? It’s like a Woody Allen sex tape.
Afterwards, Rick goes to the bar to meet Huck and tell him the good news that he and Cindy are back together. Huck is drunk and causes more trouble by yelling at people in the bar that they have no class. Rick also tells him that he is moving out which is confusing because it looks like him and Cindy were living at Rick’s house from earlier. Nothing else has made sense so why should this.
Back at his apartment, Huck is shooting his bills with a gun. There, all paid. He passes out on the couch and is awakened by his ex wife Alex. She says she needs the alimony money he owes her but he can’t pay because he is now unemployed. This goes on longer than needed.
Alex tells him her new boyfriend is a Judge now. Why is this relevant? After still refusing to pay, Alex calls the police from his phone and tells them she’s being attacked. She rips off her blouse and runs out to the cops who arrive after about 10 seconds. Once again he’s hauled off to jail.
Cut to the next day. Alex goes to see her judge boyfriend and wouldn’t you know it, it’s Captain Norbad… Who’s now a judge! So, apparently a LOT of time has passed because the guy went from Captain to Demon Priest to Judge all in about 10 minutes of screen time.
Of course it turns out Huck’s Judge is his old Captain, who is now a Judge. Huck smarts off which gets him thrown in jail for contempt… And over-the-top acting.
Rick, played by John, a real life lawyer (he was in law school when this was filmed but became a lawyer shortly after), argues with Huck’s defense attorney outside the courtroom. HEY! It’s that older lady from the bar and police station at the beginning of the film. I wonder (and I’m sure she’s wondering too) what her role is in all this?
In prison, Huck drinks some janitorial cleaner and ends up in the hospital. There’s an uncomfortable scene with a nun trying to counsel him. This will be relevant later. Thankfully, Rick and Cindy show up. They tell Huck they’re going on a short trip but will be back soon.
OK, suspend all disbelief for this next part. Rick and Cindy go to her parents’ house to get her things so she can move in with daddy-boyfriend. The parents shun her because she’s dating a man their age. No wait, they’re mad at her because she worshiped Satan.
Her parents throw boxes of her things out the door. Rick and Cindy pick them up and walk back towards their car. They stop and have a sunset talk. Is someone dropping tools down a stairwell? No wait, it’s that God-awful John – Cindy duet from earlier.
Back at the Captain… sorry, JUDGE’S home. He has a talk with his henchmen and tells them to get rid of the ‘problem’. The problem is Cindy who screwed up their Satanic baby killing ritual. The henchmen tell him she’s seeing some idiot in cowboy boots. The Judge decides they both must be dealt with.
Back to Rick and Cindy. Oh Christ they’re going to get all sexy’d up. There’s that Goddamn noise again! Another John De Hart song. With that song playing in the background, you really need a few extra blue pills to pull off any romance. This goes on for literally 6 minutes. He plays with her breasts, she acts like she’s not uncomfortable… Just please end. In the middle of the song, John starts a spoken word part with memorable lines like:
“Something I gotta know right now. Do you want me everlastingly? Do you want to be only mine? If the answer is yes…”
Then it just fucking ends! Everlastingly? He starts singing again, which I think is supposed to be the continuation of where the spoken part left off but it begins with, “I’ll be waiting…” Which is it, do you gotta know right now, or will you be waiting for an answer? Stupid damn song.
Now cut to someone’s backyard pool with a sign that says Huck’s Haven. Huck is in the pool with clothes on and waxes retardingly about some new religion he’s starting. Two topless girls float up on rafts and just lay next to him while he solos. I think for most of his scenes they just got him shit-faced drunk and filmed him blathering on and on about whatever subject they told him to proselytize about for twenty minutes.
Rick shows up and tells him he and Cindy are getting married and wants him to be the best man. Cut to the wedding and Rick is wearing his finest track-suit ensemble. Cindy is in an actual bridal gown and Huck is wearing an orange tuxedo. They better finish filming soon because the tuxedo is needed across town to film a scene in Dumb and Dumber.
Rick marries his daughter and they proceed to film another ten minutes of watching him rub his leathery body all over a nubile 20-something. Cindy does a strip tease to the music of the previously sung song, Shimmy Slide.
During this round of lovemaking we hear the song “Don’t stop loving me.” PLEASE! For Christ’s sake please STOP loving and get off that old man!
A hilarious moment comes when Rick tries to put a wine glass on the nightstand or something. As he holds the glass out you see a mystery hand appear in the left corner and take the glass out of his hand. Wait, so now they’re living in the Addams Family house?
Back at the bar, the gang members find out from the bartender that it was Cindy who got married earlier in the day. Not sure how or why they thought she knew. They attack the bartender and the scene shifts to the next morning where Cindy gets ready while Rick takes his Geritol and finishes reading Dear Abby. While combing her hair, Cindy sees and old photo with Rick and the Capt… Sorry, JUDGE! She tells him that’s the guy that murdered the baby in the Satanic ritual she screwed up. I guess she didn’t screw it up too bad since they still achieved their goal of killing the baby.
The Satanic gang members drive by Rick’s house. Rick is leaving to go somewhere on… Wait for it, mid-life crisis moment number FIVE, a motorcycle! Cindy climbs on the back and the pair head off while the bad guys follow in their car.
When Rick and Cindy notice they are being followed, Rick changes into light-gray pants and takes a side road in an effort to lose them. As they drive down the dirt road, Rick somehow changes back into his jeans and we see the motorcycle sway slightly then disappear over a hill. As the henchmen approach, they see Cindy laying next to the wrecked bike. They just look out the car and proclaim, “We got her!” Okay, don’t check to make sure or nothing. Rick rises from the wreckage and goes to Cindy and starts crying. He then cradles her and hugs her.
At Forest lawn cemetery, Cindy is laid to rest. HEY! In the small crowd there’s that older woman that shows up randomly. After people leave, Rick stands alone at her grave and tells her that he will “GETEVEN!”
Back home, Rick is punching the shit out of a heavy-bag. He remembers fondly some flashbacks to when they met again at the bar and when he rubbed his leathery carcass over her nubile young frame.
Rick figures it was one of Norbad’s henchmen who killed her so he climbs over the gate of his house at night and sneaks past the guards outside. A car pulls up with some South American guy apparently meeting with the Judge to make some kind of drug deal.
Rick sneaks in and shoots one of the guards in the back with his crossbow. One of the henchmen interrupts the meeting to tell Norbad that one of the guards is dead. The South American guy gets all spanish-ey yelling to which the Judge pulls out a gun and shoots him… And his girlfriend. Over-react much?
While confronting the Judge, Rick’s incompetence gets in the way and he’s caught by two guards who take him outside. When they get out in the open, Huck is waiting to do something stupid. He attacks one of the guards but gets shot again. Both guards are also somehow shot? Not sure but I think that’s what happened and I don’t give enough shit’s to rewind and clarify.
Back in the house, the Judge is praying to Satan. Rick walks in and the Judge attempts to bribe him. A laughable fight scene ensues in which the Judge ends up getting stabbed and dies. Rick returns outside to Huck and they leave in a car while for some reason the judge’s house is now on fire.
The next day, Rick returns to the cemetery to see Cindy’s grave. He puts flowers on it. The nun that Huck spoke to in the hospital shows up. She wants a ride to the hospital. Rick is not happy but agrees.
When they get to the hospital the nun announces to Rick that there’s someone who wants to see him. They walk into a room and, DAMN! It’s Cindy! Wow, what a TWIST! So apparently she faked her death so the bad guys would… I don’t know… Get confused? Or something? Not sure but Rick is relieved. Imagine how her parents will feel.
That’s the end. As the credits roll we are treated once again to the Shimmy Slide! I didn’t expect much from this movie and boy did it deliver. What an awesomely riffable treat. This movie gets 4.5 Snarks. It would have received a perfect score of 5 but since it lacked a Railing Kill which gets an automatic half point deduction.