Why I Stopped Watching Deadliest Catch

Deadliest Catch Jake Anderson

Deadliest Catch was an interesting show for the first couple of years, but over these last few seasons it seems that the focus has shifted to hi-lite the more gratingly annoying characters on the show and the blatant nepotism that is delivered with the subtlety of a Louisville Slugger!

Deadliest Catch Jake AndersonLet’s start with the most annoying chud on the show, Jake Anderson. He should ask Discovery for a spin-off show titled ‘Whiniest Bitch‘. Whenever he’s faced with adversity or obstacles he turns into a child that incessantly whines and cries until finally someone gives him his pacifier in the form of doing something to remedy HIS situation for him.

At the start of the crab seasons where he steered a boat (boat steerer is really all he appears to be. A ‘Captain’ means having a sense of leadership, inspiration, and competency. Jake just steers), he couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight and had to go begging other captains (those that still talk to him) to PLEASE tell him where the crab are at. Then when he gets to where they tell him to go and he catches some, he drones on and on about what a great fucking fisherman he is and how he’s kicking ass because he managed to get full pots… Based on someone else’s directions, information, advice, and guidance.

The first time he steered a boat he couldn’t even figure out the charts the gubmint gave all captains telling them relevant information about the migration tendencies, water temps, and depths of the crab that year. He didn’t know those confusing numbers at the bottom were depth readings. Isn’t that Crab Captain 101? I don’t think he’s qualified to skipper an Uber let alone a fishing vessel! This incompetent fuck couldn’t find crab if he was in a Red Lobster parking lot!

Alaskan Bush People cast parodyThis season he ‘partnered’ with Sean Dwyer. In traditional Jake fashion, Sean did all the work finding the crab and telling this dipstick what to do and where to do it. Jake thinks he’s SO fucking great when he gets Sig and Keith to leave ‘his’ grounds based on Sean’s plan. What a delusional asshole. He drones on and on and on about their ‘partnership’ never realizing that a ‘partnership’ means BOTH parties help each other, not one partner spoon feeding success to the other while they whine and complain about how shitty their situation is despite being the one that put themselves in that situation. Getting other people to do the hard work for you… Hmmmm. Sounds like another Discovery Channel show personality. Oh yeah, Bilky Brown from Alaskan Bullshit People.

Stay tuned for next weeks episode when Jake phones Sig and asks what the ‘E’ and ‘F’ letters mean on the fuel gauge. But enough about this unlikable turd, let’s move on.

Then there’s Sig. Where to start… Well let’s just start with the embarrassing ‘special appearance’ by Mandy! Yay, she’s gonna be a boat skipper despite her seemingly not having any experience or interest in that job since she last made an appearance a couple seasons ago. Anyone buying this bullshit? She seems to barely be in the chair and when she is it seems to be the times where only minuscule pedestrian tasks are necessary… Like going straight to the next ‘string’. I guess Sig is hoping this turns into a Billy Ray / Miley Cyrus thing where she suddenly becomes a star! I can’t think of any other reason she’s on that boat other than a paycheck and screen time. Funny how she’s the ONLY woman anywhere near one of those boats and Discovery’s right there to film it! What are the odds? I can’t imagine in real life that living on a dirty ship with men that smell like regurgitated Indian food is appealing to anyone, let alone her.

BTW, is it just me or is Sig morphing into Gary Busey?

Discovery Channel could save a lot of money by just creating a soundboard of Sig and others saying the same things they repeat hundreds of times a season… ‘Pots‘, ‘crab‘, ‘tanks‘, ‘offload‘, ‘quota‘, ‘weather‘. Just show a still image of various captains and play these words over and over until their segments are done. I mean, it’s pretty much what they do now except every once in a while Sig throws in a ‘Mandy‘ or ‘heart attack‘ for freshness. Thank Christ for the invention the DVR so you can FF through these segments. Well, ALL segments basically as they’ve become muddled, turgid, and repetitive.

Hey, where’s Edgar this season? How come they never mention hi… Oh, right.

If you FF’ed through the shitty parts so you only watched the good stuff, you’d probably watch about 6 minutes of show. The dog that sits with Wild Bill is the only likeable character on the show anymore. Well… The dog and Captain Bill.

Moving on to Keith and the Wizard. I swear if I see Freddy do that fucking stupid crab dance one more time I’m gonna stop watching this show! Oh wait, I did. Same old bullshit keyword infused sentences, same old lame antics. It seems to be a cancer spreading to every ship as we see the same old things happen over and over again. The show is now just one big Mobius strip.

It also seems like a lot of these ‘captains’ mistake yelling for leadership. They seem to think the more they yell, the more people will think they are great leaders! You find these same traits in other professions, like graveyard shift manager at Arby’s. At least this show is only slightly more watchable than Discovery Channel’s other embarrassing piece of shit, Alaskan Bush People. If they keep producing shitshow’s like these they’ll end up like TLC, which now only features shows with overly flamboyant gays or midgets… Or overly flamboyant gay midgets. I don’t know I haven’t really watched that channel in a decade.

So long, Deadliest Catch. Like most Discovery Channel shows it was fun for a short time, but now you’re just embarrassing yourselves.

NOTE: Episode Recaps and reviews are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

6 thoughts on “Why I Stopped Watching Deadliest Catch

  1. And we really needed a reason to stop watching this third grader’s nightmare, I mean, reality show.

    Everything you said Beavis, and more….

    Thanks for the insight and the truth.

  2. In the early years, my Hub and I watched regularly. Now, very rarely. I had figured that THIS show couldn’t be faked; I mean you are out in there in the Bering Sea, you couldn’t tell the waves what to do. Mother Nature and all that, etc. Then I started watching ABSP (yes, you read that right) and oh my Lord were my eyes opened!! Skankiest folks on the planet! But, getting back to Dead Catch; the show hasn’t really been good since Phil died. Jake is DEFINITELY a whining crybaby; and if I have to watch Keith doing his “3 grunts-fist-pump/ looks- like-he-is-masturbating” routine, I am afraid I’ll have shoot my TV; that drives me NUTZ. Great column, Beavis; you nail it every time! 🙂

    1. OMG – your fist pump comment. Truly a LOL moment! 🙂 Thank you for your comments they are awesome!

  3. I keep thinking the best prank any of those captains could play would be to put some adult diapers and a pacifier in Jakes wheelhouse and call it a baby tantrum kit. I get so sick of watching him. I have not seen him find crab himself one time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *